I got two (2) tickets from the NYPD for riding my bike yesterday. They pulled me over with lights, sirens and the whole production.

Broadway towards Inwood, NYC

The officers were exactly right to pull me over and I know it. I was speeding in a 30mph zone on the wrong side of the street while weaving through traffic and I got caught. Hands down. I have no complaints about this. I was breaking the law.

It took the officers about a mile to catch me because of the dense traffic. When they did finally catch me, it was no joke — lights, sirens, megaphone and all.

I pulled over carefully on a side street and laid my bike on the curb and displayed my hands, open palms at my sides.

The driving officer got out of his car, approached me and asked, “Is there a reason you blasted through all of those red lights back there?”

I answered, “Yes, officer. I just didn’t want to stop. I know that I should have stopped and I chose not to. I know the rules and I chose to break them. I know I’m in the wrong here so do whatever you need to do.”

He looked over my bike and noticed that I did not have a bell on it (required in NYC). He asked, “Is there any reason that you do not have a bell on your bike?” I answered, “Yes, officer. My bell is on my other bike and I haven’t swapped it. I know I should have it on this bike. My bad.”

He asked me for my ID. I gave it to him and he went back to his car.

I knew that I was entirely fucked.

The officer came back and said the following: “Listen, man. You really seemed to know what you were doing back there. I’ve really never seen anything like it. But, you were doing over 30mph and weaving through traffic and blowing red lights. I have to ticket you. It’s nothing personal. I’m giving you a ticket for ‘failure to have a bell’ and for ‘failure to stay to the right (weaving and riding in the oncoming lane)’. I’m not going to ticket you for speeding or for running all the red lights, okay? Be safe.”

Point of the story: Cops can be really, really cool to cyclists, sometimes.

For the record, and before anyone blasts me for my cavalier riding — This is a route I have ridden thousands of times and I knowexactly how to read the traffic. That said, laws are laws. If you choose to break the laws, man up, take your tickets and thank the officers.

Also, go to court and tell the judge what you think about the bicycle laws in your area. I have a few things in mind which I’ll suggest to the judge.

An Instinctual Precursor To “Social Engineering”.

When I was in high school, I engineered and executed a method of torture specifically designed for substitute teachers using humming as the method of attack.

It was planned beforehand that I would sit in the center of the room. When the teacher started speaking, I would very quietly hum a single note which was only detectable by the persons sitting closest to me, the choir members of course. They would then begin to hum the note and the people closest to them would begin to hum the note and it would expand like a ripple effect throughout the room. When I heard the ripple reach the edges of the room, I would slightly alter the pitch and it would ripple just the same. From the teachers’ perspective, all the students were sitting upright and paying attention but the teacher was hearing an unexplainable, undulating surround-sound effect. That, and most of our faces were purple.

The winning substitute teacher lasted just shy of eight minutes before storming out of the room.

Enter, the Principal:

Principal: “What did you morons do this time?”

Students: “Nothing. That teacher was crazy.”

Principal: ಠ_ಠ

Bombing of the Murrah Federal Building, 4/19/05 — A Day I Will Never Forget

I was in high school about two miles north of ground zero.

I was checking over the set of our production of “Little Shop of Horrors” just before hundreds of elementary school students were due to arrive at our school to watch our show. This was just a few days after my 15th birthday.

–BOOM–

Everyone suspected that the boiler or the new AC units had exploded. It’s the only thing that made sense at the time.

A few minutes later, the principal’s voice came over the intercom. His voice sounded different than usual. What was usually an upbeat and cheerful voice was now flat, robotic, terrified and on the verge of tears.

“Teachers, please release all students who have family working in or around the Murrah Federal Building to meet in the auditorium immediately. Everyone else, please stay put. Thank you”.

At least a third of the thousand-or-so students shuffled to the auditorium, confused. I was also confused because I was already in the auditorium where were expecting  several hundred children to arrive in just a few minutes… and my father works a block away from the Murrah Building.

The principal told the students in the auditorium what had happened. We were told that we could use the resources in the school’s office to try to contact our families. Most everyone decided to leave school and either go downtown or go home to contact their families. No one was going to stop us. The older kids crammed in as many underclassmen as they could into their cars to take them wherever they needed to go.

The other kids who were still in the classrooms figured out very quickly that something was horribly wrong when the kids from the auditorium came back into the classrooms to retrieve their belongs, many of them in absolute hysterics and some shell shocked. Word spread very quickly about what had happened. My pager, which I wasn’t supposed to have in school, went off displaying my father’s ‘code’ so I knew he was okay. This was before every kid had a cellphone.

The bus loads of children were turned away when they arrived to see the show. Half the cast and crew had already left the building, myself included. I don’t know how the administrators handled turning the buses away and if they broke the news to them right then and there. It would be interesting to know in retrospect.

A friend of mine and I walked to ground zero and helped bring water to the rescue crews.

I will never forget that day.

Reddit.com’s Secret Santa

Pissed&Petty is beyond excited to be participating in the biggest “Secret Santa” gift exchange ever. Ever.

It’s no surprise that, as the economy is shrinking, so is the number of presents under most people’s trees.  Thanks to the vision of one member of Reddit.com, nearly 3,000 people will have one special surprise from someone they’ve never met before. The members of Reddit.com, an online social news community where users discuss and share links to breaking news stories, photos and more, have gathered together in what they believe is the biggest “Secret Santa” ever and I’m thrilled to be a part of it.

The idea started simply enough, with one member “kickme444″ asking if anyone was interested in a gift exchange and, like most social media, the idea exploded in just days.

Kickme444 and other Reddit members designed a new website, wrote programming to match up givers to receivers and come December packages will arrive from around the country and possibly around the world. Around 2,000 participants are from the United States, but the rest hail from Iceland, Italy, Malaysia, Australia, Japan and beyond.

The current Guinness Book record holder for the largest secret Santa is more than 1,500 people, held by the staff at UK’s pharmacy chain store Boots. This exchange is set to double the number and smash the record.

This Secret Santa is unique in its relative anonymity. When signing up, Redditors could volunteer information about themselves and participants can look at their recipient’s past comments to get an idea of their interests and personality.

Suggested value of gift and shipping is around $15. The organizers have stated, “Handmade awesomeness is suggested, thoughtfulness is required!”

Some are opting for homemade gifts – original art, photos, mix CDs, pepper seeds or items unique to their area. Discussion of ideas and requests have been flying on the site for the past few weeks.

Gifts will be shipped out by Dec. 10 and Redditors will post photos of their present on a thread for members of the site to see.

For more information, see the official Reddit Secret Santa website.

Shotgun Awakening

When I was 16, concluding the last day of my freshman year of high-school, my car broke down on my drive home from the last day of school. I walked to a friend’s house in the area to use his phone to call my parents to ask them what I should do. I think we had a AAA membership at the time.

I had stayed overnight at my friend’s house several times and had become trusted by his parents. I knocked on their door several times but no one answered. I had seen my friend break into his own house several time by reaching through the mail-slot and unlocking the backdoor. For some stupid reason, my sixteen-year-old self decided that it would be OK for me to reach through the mail-slot and unlock the door so that I could use their phone. They wouldn’t mind, right?

I reached through the mail-slot and unlocked the door, turned the handle walked right in. Immediately, a shadowy figure sprung from behind the door, pinned my throat to the wall with one hand and pointed a shotgun at my eyeball with the other hand.

I had no idea what was going on. I impulsively started trying to de-escalate the situation. While I was being choked with a gun pointed in my face, the assailant repeatedly screamed, “Don’t F&(K with the (redacted) family!” Subsequently, I calmly convinced him that I wasn’t a threat.

As it turns out, my friend’s older brother had just returned from serving in the military overseas. He was treated for PTSD shortly after this encounter.

Halloween is coming!

Welcome searchers.

If you’re looking for my post about the ‘Where’s Waldo Costume’, CLICK THIS.

Otherwise. Please continue reading below.

Hey, guess what! There is a good chance that I hate everything you stand for.

When someone looks me square in the face and tells me that they truly believe that the entire human race is inherently evil because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat the wrong apple and if I don’t devote my entire life to a Jewish zombie then I’ll spend eternity burning in fire… that tells me something very important about that person.

This is the same person who, after being cured of a serious illness, will thank god and not recognize the doctors or the science that brings us modern medicine. This is the same person who, when receiving a promotion or a raise at their job, will thank god and not recognize their own hard work and achievements. This is the same person who claims that god gave him this land therefore he is completely justified in committing acts of unspeakable violence against his neighbors. This is the same 40-year-old Yemeni man who watches his pregnant 12-year-old wife bleed to death over the course of 3 days while attempting to give birth because she can’t receive the necessary medical attention because she can’t be seen naked by another man, lest she be put to death according to religious dogma.

Fucking ridiculous.

*Paging* Patrick Rubiano… Patrick Rubiano, please pick up the nearest Internets.

Dear Patrick,

Before proceeding, please take a moment to honor your nearest internets for bringing this message to you. My Personal Internets have worked long and hard to ensure that The Google brings my messages to you.

Are you still in Poland? We all miss you and we want to hear from you.

Please respond to me privatley with your contact information and your favortie Pollock joke.

Love you, dude.

#iranelection

I encourage computer savvy people to do their part in regards to #iranelection.

You know who you are.

This is your guide: http://tinyurl.com/krjft4

Iranian Election

I’m not saying that I circumvented my ISP in order to serve my extra bandwidth to the Iranian opposition… but I’m not saying I didn’t either.

If I did do this, I’m sure that I would be so proud of my accomplishment that I couldn’t help but boast on my blog.

Vote For Me! My First Photoshop Contest: NYDailyNews.com!

1) Click this.  
2) Vote It As BEST: 

Yesterday, NYDailyNews.com, among others,  suggested that it would have been a better idea for The Whitehouse to photoshop the controversial NY/NJ fly-over of Air Force One(+1) than to actually have the planes… ya know, actually  fly over, unannounced.  (I don’t agreee, but it’s a fun and novel idea in which I’m willing to induldge and participate.)

NYDailyNews.com invited readers to participate in a photoshop contest. They invited readers to photoshop Air Force One into a picture of their friends or family, New York City, or whatever, in an effort to lampoon the gaffe. I’ll gladly take this bait.

Again:

1) Click this.  
2) Vote It As BEST: 

Thanks so much.

Secret Low-Flying Planes in NYC: “Photo-op”, says Whitehouse.

This post is in regards to this news item:  http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/27/low.flying.plane/index.html

As an official of the DoD, how do you explain two F-16s chasing a Boeing 747 through New York City, unannounced, and not cause a lasting panic?

Claim it was a “photo-op”.

I’m not sure about the aerial photos but the scene on the ground was an iconic photo-op. It’s a shame that everyone on the ground was too worried about dying to snap photos.

My account from the ground:

I had just dropped off my cell phone for repair in Harlem. I was told it would take about an hour to repair. I decided to take a bike ride down the West Side bike path to kill some time and take advantage of the direct sun rays. I looked up from the bike path and saw a 747 being followed by two F-16s up the Hudson River. I skidded to a stop.  I entered into a state of mind that I had never experienced. 

I think this is the point where my body somehow replaced my blood with adrenaline. It reminds me the story of the mother who lifted a car off of her child. I stood completely still and felt more focused than I ever had. I felt as if I’d doubled in size. My peripheral vision became integrated into my senses in a way I had never experienced. My hearing became sharp beyond explanation. My mind was processing all of this at an astounding speed. It was like the world was moving in slow motion but, at the same time, my brain was analyzing stimuli at an accelerated rate, thus giving me an exponential edge over any real-time threat. This is a level of consciousness which I had never before fathomed. Apologies for the following comparison but, yes, it was EXACTLY like The Matrix.

I stood motionless, listened and watched. There were several other New Yorkers around me who stood with the same posture, focused, motionless and ready. Ready to take any action necessary to protect what’s ours. It’s fucking show time, bitches.

An elderly Dominican man who was barbecuing with his family started screaming in Spanish and throwing anything he could get his hands on (chicken, plastic knives, BBQ sauce bottles)up into the air in a desperate and futile attempt to knock the plane out of the air. Don’t laugh. It seems funny now but he was dead fucking serious.

And we were made to feel this way for a photo-op? I don’t buy it.

Getting In (Blogging) Shape

Toward the end of my tenure at my former place of employment, I contacted a gym in the area about taking a tour and getting a trial membership. The gym was right down the street from my office, so it would have been convenient.

I got laid off from my job before I had a chance to visit the gym. Regardless, someone at the gym thinks that I came in and checked it out and sent me a follow-up style email and voicemail thanking for my visit and asking if I was ready to sign up.

Following was my response:

Hello Marc,

Thank you for your friendly email and voicemail, though I believe you have reached the wrong person.

I have not visited your gym to my recollection. However, I drink heavily so it is entirely possible that I did visit your gym and I simply don’t remember. Did I smell like very old beer? If so, that was probably me.

The economy is tanking and I have recently lost my job as a result, so I am not currently interested in a gym membership.

My old job was right down the street from your gym, which would have been very convenient. If I can get a new job in the same neighborhood, I would like to visit your gym (again?), as I could use some sort of exercise beyond lugging a case of PBR up the stairs of my fourth floor walkup everyday. 

Does your gym have a bar?

Thanks again,
Ryan

P.S. Also, I am interested in a reliable Juice hookup as I have a poor work ethic and low tolerance for pain.

Wherein I Remember That I Have a Blog

I haven’t written anything on this site, my formerly world famous blog, for about six months now. Explanation to follow:

About six months ago, I landed a really great job on which I was hellbent on excelling and keeping.

With the kind of trouble this blog has brought me in the past, I decided it best to not write anymore.

Well, things have changed. Due to the tanking economy, I have lost my job.

As such, I will resume blogging as I see fit.

Cheers, everybody.

My Halloween Costume: Part III

As promised in Part I and Part II of this post, here is a few pictures of me in my Waldo costume.

 

 

(Click to enlarge)

 

My Halloween Costume: Part II

In Part I of this post, I showed you the materials I would be using to make my Halloween costume. I let the readers take guesses as to what I would be. Reader Amber, with lightning quickness, correctly guessed that I would be Waldo from “Where’s Waldo?”  

My costume was a smash hit. I hung out at Union Square Park for a couple hours. It felt great to see how excited people became when they “found” me.  They’d yell from across the park,

“There’s Waldo! I found him, I found Waldo!” Then they’d run over and ask to take my picture. 

The Waldo costume took me about 4 hours to make. Don’t let that discourage you from trying it yourself, though. If I hadn’t been drinking heavily, I’m sure I could have done it in half the time.

Here are a few photos of the costume construction process:

 (click photos to enlarge)

The glasses make the costume.

Click here to read Part III and see a photo of me in my “Where’s Waldo?” costume.

 

My Halloween Costume: Part I

Today, I acquired the necessary materials for this year’s Halloween costume. What’s great is that I only spent $4.97 and I am certain that I will be a serious contender for “Best Costume”. 

Here’s the breakdown:

• Thermal Shirt (white): $1.99
• Stocking Cap (white):  $0.99
• Duct Tape (red):          $1.99
• Blue Jeans:                  (already had them)
• Novelty Glasses:         (already had them)
• (1) Sheet of Paper:      (not pictured)

  

(Click To Enlarge)

 

The Contest: Who am I going to be? Make your predictions in the comments. 

Photos of me in my costume will be posted after Halloween.

Click here to read Part II wherein I show the making of the costume.

Staten Island: Not Helping Themselves

I’ve decided that I’m going to actively pursue getting a license to operate a motorcycle in New York State and elsewhere. More about that later.

I came across this ad for a motorcycle on Craigslist today which at first I thought must be a joke. Upon subsequent readings, I’m pretty sure it’s authentic. God help Staten Island. The picture is hilarious but the text takes the cake.

i got this 93 cb 600 its fun but i still dont have a lisence and i got chased yestaday so i dun rele think its a good thing for mee to keep i bougt it on june 2nd went to jjail june 6 came home on the 9th october and it has new michlen tires on itt … i paid 2500 for the bike and 250 for the tires so i geuss 2700 or beest offer call bobby 

Bobby is quite a salesman.

Here’s the full ad.

IRS: The Mixup

As mentioned in my previous post, the IRS recently got in touch with me about some “substantial unreported income” from my 2005 Federal Return. This made me extremely nervous.

I called the IRS immediately to try to fix the situation. I was like Chunk from “The Goonies” with my hand halfway in the blender, ready to spill my guts and tell everything bad that I’d ever done.

The guy at the IRS told me that there was a substantial 10-99 that I didn’t report. I usually get 10 to 15 separate 10-99′s every year, but none of them would be considered “substantial” in my opinion. He told me that the IRS would send me all the income information they had and that I was to use this information and resubmit my 2005 taxes and get it back in their hands in 30 days. Period.

The papers arrived a week later. There were five pages of W-2′s and 10-99′s. I checked them carefullly. I found the problem on the last two items. It looked something like this.

_________________________
CompanyX:
NON-EMP COMP. . . $310
TAXES WITHHELD. . . $0
_________________________ 
CompanyX:
NON-EMP COMP. . . $31,000
TAXES WITHHELD . . . $0
_________________________

It appears that CompanyX mistakenly sent the IRS two items, the second of which has a couple of extra zeros. Now the IRS wants me to pay taxes on $31K of income that I did not receive. Great, just great.

 I called the IRS and notified them of the mistake. The IRS told me to call CompanyX and have them resend the correct documents. When I called CompanyX, they told me that it was a computer glitch that affected around 20 of their contractors and they have someone on their payroll whose specific job it is to work this out with the IRS on my behalf.

I still had to redo my 2005 return, ignoring the arbitrary item. Turns out I owe the IRS a total of $438. I owe the money; I will pay it. I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with, however, is CompanyX making an insane mistake that has now led the IRS to go through my finances with a fine tooth comb when they never would have had any reason to pay attention to me in the first place. I’m pretty sure the IRS isn’t done with me and this has put a serious strain on my relationship with CompanyX, with whom I have subsequently done several thousand dollars of business.

Wherein I Face My Demons

I got a letter in the mail today. The letter was from the Internal Revenue Service, the IRS. I wondered why they might be contacting me.

Maybe they were making a donation because they’re fans of my blog. Maybe it was a late arriving holiday card. Maybe it was a “Thank You note” for… well, for just being me. As I was unaware of anyone ever receiving such a letter from the IRS, it became crystal clear in my mind, before reading the letter, that I am now completely and totally fucked, inside-out, for the foreseeable future.

I opened the letter.

I read the letter.

Yeah, I’m fucked. It turns out that the IRS has a few questions about a substantial portion of unreported income from my 2005 tax return. In all honesty, that’s just the tip of the iceberg and I’m sure they’ll figure that out soon enough, if they haven’t already.

Does anyone know of a publishing company that would be interested in optioning a book called “IRS: SOS!” wherein I chronicle my immanent demise at the hands of the tax man? It’s a cautionary tale of sorts. All proceeds will be sent directly to the IRS to clear my debt and save my ass from going to jail. Let me know. Seriously.

Does anyone know a good tax attorney that would be willing to work for a favorable review on a formerly famous blog that hardly anyone reads anymore? Let me know. Seriously.

Crap.