#iranelection

I encourage computer savvy people to do their part in regards to #iranelection.

You know who you are.

This is your guide: http://tinyurl.com/krjft4

Iranian Election

I’m not saying that I circumvented my ISP in order to serve my extra bandwidth to the Iranian opposition… but I’m not saying I didn’t either.

If I did do this, I’m sure that I would be so proud of my accomplishment that I couldn’t help but boast on my blog.

Vote For Me! My First Photoshop Contest: NYDailyNews.com!

1) Click this.  
2) Vote It As BEST: 

Yesterday, NYDailyNews.com, among others,  suggested that it would have been a better idea for The Whitehouse to photoshop the controversial NY/NJ fly-over of Air Force One(+1) than to actually have the planes… ya know, actually  fly over, unannounced.  (I don’t agreee, but it’s a fun and novel idea in which I’m willing to induldge and participate.)

NYDailyNews.com invited readers to participate in a photoshop contest. They invited readers to photoshop Air Force One into a picture of their friends or family, New York City, or whatever, in an effort to lampoon the gaffe. I’ll gladly take this bait.

Again:

1) Click this.  
2) Vote It As BEST: 

Thanks so much.

Secret Low-Flying Planes in NYC: “Photo-op”, says Whitehouse.

This post is in regards to this news item:  http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/27/low.flying.plane/index.html

As an official of the DoD, how do you explain two F-16s chasing a Boeing 747 through New York City, unannounced, and not cause a lasting panic?

Claim it was a “photo-op”.

I’m not sure about the aerial photos but the scene on the ground was an iconic photo-op. It’s a shame that everyone on the ground was too worried about dying to snap photos.

My account from the ground:

I had just dropped off my cell phone for repair in Harlem. I was told it would take about an hour to repair. I decided to take a bike ride down the West Side bike path to kill some time and take advantage of the direct sun rays. I looked up from the bike path and saw a 747 being followed by two F-16s up the Hudson River. I skidded to a stop.  I entered into a state of mind that I had never experienced. 

I think this is the point where my body somehow replaced my blood with adrenaline. It reminds me the story of the mother who lifted a car off of her child. I stood completely still and felt more focused than I ever had. I felt as if I’d doubled in size. My peripheral vision became integrated into my senses in a way I had never experienced. My hearing became sharp beyond explanation. My mind was processing all of this at an astounding speed. It was like the world was moving in slow motion but, at the same time, my brain was analyzing stimuli at an accelerated rate, thus giving me an exponential edge over any real-time threat. This is a level of consciousness which I had never before fathomed. Apologies for the following comparison but, yes, it was EXACTLY like The Matrix.

I stood motionless, listened and watched. There were several other New Yorkers around me who stood with the same posture, focused, motionless and ready. Ready to take any action necessary to protect what’s ours. It’s fucking show time, bitches.

An elderly Dominican man who was barbecuing with his family started screaming in Spanish and throwing anything he could get his hands on (chicken, plastic knives, BBQ sauce bottles)up into the air in a desperate and futile attempt to knock the plane out of the air. Don’t laugh. It seems funny now but he was dead fucking serious.

And we were made to feel this way for a photo-op? I don’t buy it.

Getting In (Blogging) Shape

Toward the end of my tenure at my former place of employment, I contacted a gym in the area about taking a tour and getting a trial membership. The gym was right down the street from my office, so it would have been convenient.

I got laid off from my job before I had a chance to visit the gym. Regardless, someone at the gym thinks that I came in and checked it out and sent me a follow-up style email and voicemail thanking for my visit and asking if I was ready to sign up.

Following was my response:

Hello Marc,

Thank you for your friendly email and voicemail, though I believe you have reached the wrong person.

I have not visited your gym to my recollection. However, I drink heavily so it is entirely possible that I did visit your gym and I simply don’t remember. Did I smell like very old beer? If so, that was probably me.

The economy is tanking and I have recently lost my job as a result, so I am not currently interested in a gym membership.

My old job was right down the street from your gym, which would have been very convenient. If I can get a new job in the same neighborhood, I would like to visit your gym (again?), as I could use some sort of exercise beyond lugging a case of PBR up the stairs of my fourth floor walkup everyday. 

Does your gym have a bar?

Thanks again,
Ryan

P.S. Also, I am interested in a reliable Juice hookup as I have a poor work ethic and low tolerance for pain.

Wherein I Remember That I Have a Blog

I haven’t written anything on this site, my formerly world famous blog, for about six months now. Explanation to follow:

About six months ago, I landed a really great job upon which I was hellbent on excelling and keeping.

With the kind of trouble this blog has brought me in the past, I decided it best to not write anymore.

Well, things have changed. Due to the tanking economy, I have lost my job.

As such, I will resume blogging as I see fit.

Cheers, everybody.

My Halloween Costume: Part III

As promised in Part I and Part II of this post, here is a few pictures of me in my Waldo costume.

 

 

(Click to enlarge)

 

My Halloween Costume: Part II

In Part I of this post, I showed you the materials I would be using to make my Halloween costume. I let the readers take guesses as to what I would be. Reader Amber, with lightning quickness, correctly guessed that I would be Waldo from “Where’s Waldo?”  

My costume was a smash hit. I hung out at Union Square Park for a couple hours. It felt great to see how excited people became when they “found” me.  They’d yell from across the park,

“There’s Waldo! I found him, I found Waldo!” Then they’d run over and ask to take my picture. 

The Waldo costume took me about 4 hours to make. Don’t let that discourage you from trying it yourself, though. If I hadn’t been drinking heavily, I’m sure I could have done it in half the time.

Here are a few photos of the costume construction process:

 (click photos to enlarge)

The glasses make the costume.

Click here to read Part III and see a photo of me in my “Where’s Waldo?” costume.

 

My Halloween Costume: Part I

Today, I acquired the necessary materials for this year’s Halloween costume. What’s great is that I only spent $4.97 and I am certain that I will be a serious contender for “Best Costume”. 

Here’s the breakdown:

• Thermal Shirt (white): $1.99
• Stocking Cap (white):  $0.99
• Duct Tape (red):          $1.99
• Blue Jeans:                  (already had them)
• Novelty Glasses:         (already had them)
• (1) Sheet of Paper:      (not pictured)

  

(Click To Enlarge)

 

The Contest: Who am I going to be? Make your predictions in the comments. 

Photos of me in my costume will be posted after Halloween.

Click here to read Part II wherein I show the making of the costume.

Staten Island: Not Helping Themselves

I’ve decided that I’m going to actively pursue getting a license to operate a motorcycle in New York State and elsewhere. More about that later.

I came across this ad for a motorcycle on Craigslist today which at first I thought must be a joke. Upon subsequent readings, I’m pretty sure it’s authentic. God help Staten Island. The picture is hilarious but the text takes the cake.

i got this 93 cb 600 its fun but i still dont have a lisence and i got chased yestaday so i dun rele think its a good thing for mee to keep i bougt it on june 2nd went to jjail june 6 came home on the 9th october and it has new michlen tires on itt … i paid 2500 for the bike and 250 for the tires so i geuss 2700 or beest offer call bobby 

Bobby is quite a salesman.

Here’s the full ad.

IRS: The Mixup

As mentioned in my previous post, the IRS recently got in touch with me about some “substantial unreported income” from my 2005 Federal Return. This made me extremely nervous.

I called the IRS immediately to try to fix the situation. I was like Chunk from “The Goonies” with my hand halfway in the blender, ready to spill my guts and tell everything bad that I’d ever done.

The guy at the IRS told me that there was a substantial 10-99 that I didn’t report. I usually get 10 to 15 separate 10-99’s every year, but none of them would be considered “substantial” in my opinion. He told me that the IRS would send me all the income information they had and that I was to use this information and resubmit my 2005 taxes and get it back in their hands in 30 days. Period.

The papers arrived a week later. There were five pages of W-2’s and 10-99’s. I checked them carefullly. I found the problem on the last two items. It looked something like this.

_________________________
CompanyX:
NON-EMP COMP. . . $310
TAXES WITHHELD. . . $0
_________________________ 
CompanyX:
NON-EMP COMP. . . $31,000
TAXES WITHHELD . . . $0
_________________________

It appears that CompanyX mistakenly sent the IRS two items, the second of which has a couple of extra zeros. Now the IRS wants me to pay taxes on $31K of income that I did not receive. Great, just great.

 I called the IRS and notified them of the mistake. The IRS told me to call CompanyX and have them resend the correct documents. When I called CompanyX, they told me that it was a computer glitch that affected around 20 of their contractors and they have someone on their payroll whose specific job it is to work this out with the IRS on my behalf.

I still had to redo my 2005 return, ignoring the arbitrary item. Turns out I owe the IRS a total of $438. I owe the money; I will pay it. I’m fine with that. What I’m not fine with, however, is CompanyX making an insane mistake that has now led the IRS to go through my finances with a fine tooth comb when they never would have had any reason to pay attention to me in the first place. I’m pretty sure the IRS isn’t done with me and this has put a serious strain on my relationship with CompanyX, with whom I have subsequently done several thousand dollars of business.

Wherein I Face My Demons

I got a letter in the mail today. The letter was from the Internal Revenue Service, the IRS. I wondered why they might be contacting me.

Maybe they were making a donation because they’re fans of my blog. Maybe it was a late arriving holiday card. Maybe it was a “Thank You note” for… well, for just being me. As I was unaware of anyone ever receiving such a letter from the IRS, it became crystal clear in my mind, before reading the letter, that I am now completely and totally fucked, inside-out, for the foreseeable future.

I opened the letter.

I read the letter.

Yeah, I’m fucked. It turns out that the IRS has a few questions about a substantial portion of unreported income from my 2005 tax return. In all honesty, that’s just the tip of the iceberg and I’m sure they’ll figure that out soon enough, if they haven’t already.

Does anyone know of a publishing company that would be interested in optioning a book called “IRS: SOS!” wherein I chronicle my immanent demise at the hands of the tax man? It’s a cautionary tale of sorts. All proceeds will be sent directly to the IRS to clear my debt and save my ass from going to jail. Let me know. Seriously.

Does anyone know a good tax attorney that would be willing to work for a favorable review on a formerly famous blog that hardly anyone reads anymore? Let me know. Seriously.

Crap.

RNC: Sarah Palin’s Speech

What kind of drugs did they use to knock out Sarah Palin’s baby? If you know, please tell me. I want some. There is no possible natural way, Corky Disease or not, that a baby could sleep through that many raucous repetitions of “Drill, baby, drill!” 

Just sayin’.

Tennis Lessons

I played tennis today for the first time since I was seven years old. I learned the following three things:

• I am not good at playing tennis.
• If you smoke cigarettes(I do, unfiltered), playing tennis will damn near kill you.
• Do not drink an entire quart of milk just minutes before playing tennis.

Olympic Observations: The Extended Live Weblog

[FOREWORD: This list is essentially an extended live-blog. Check back often for frequent updates.]

I, in tandem with my trusty DVR, am attempting to watch every single minute of the 2008 Olympic coverage across NBC, CNBC, MSNBC and USA Network in order. This is around 36 hours of footage per day. This undertaking should be an Olympic event within itself. Recording that much footage every day on my DVR means that I have to watch it quickly and delete it so as to not exceed the DVR’s storage limit. This venture has led me to get very little sleep and a very sore left index finger due to the fast-forward button. I love the olympics; what can I say?

Below is an ongoing compilation of observations from my obsessive viewing of the 2008 Olympics, most of which, you will not care about. Enjoy.

(this will be updated often, new entries on top)

• China spent around 80-billion dollars on the Olympics.
  To help you digest that number, that’s 80,000-million. Holy crap.
• Butterfingers!: The U.S. Men and Women both dropped the baton in their respective 4×100m-relay prelims. Thus, the U.S. will not be represented in the aforementioned final. This is first time this has happened since 1928. Get a grip, people. U.S. runner, Lauryn Williams, had this to say, “Someone has a voodoo doll on us.” –A thinly veiled poke at the Jamaicans, one might think.
• Jamaican runner, Usain Bolt, is unbelievable. He is the new world record holder for the men’s 200m.
• BMX: I am fully aware than most people are critical of this event being included in the Olympics. I have a very strong opinion to the contrary. I hope to not be too lazy to fully outline said opinion soon.
• “Peeled/Ripped” Again: A male gymnast from The Netherlands peeled off the high-bar tonight in the event final. I’ll try to find a video soon. Until then, see the below bullet about gymnasts “Peeling” or “Ripping”.
• Dear Shawn Johnson:
  Thank you for making me a small fortune with your phenomenal balance-beam routine last night. I never doubted you. My bookie had doubts but you will be happy to know that god has punished him for his lack of faith.
• Women’s gymnastics, event final: The Chinese gymnasts have left the door wide-open for U.S. women gymnasts, Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin. I think we have a great shot at taking gold here. I am predicting Shawn Johnson for gold, no matter how nervous she looked to be in her warm-ups. Take my prediction to the bookies if you’re a betting man.
• Women’s track, 100m hurdle final: Lolo Jones had the race locked down but clipped the next-to-last hurdle which slowed her down enough to slip off the medal podium.  Unfortunate at best. I really feel for her. 
• Women’s gymnastics, event final: Nastia Liukin got robbed on uneven-bars. These judges have no earthly clue what they’re doing. There never should have been a tie to force the judges to consult the matrix. Absolute bullshit. Hogwash, I tell you!
• Track: The U.S. Men swept the 400m hurdles final, 1-2-3 . Hell yeah! Angelo Taylor took the gold.
• Men’s gymastics, event finals: Chinese gymnast, Chen Yibing, just tattooed the rings apparatus. No question. A French gymnast performed a seldom seen and oft thought impossible “Victorian” (think, upside-down maltese cross). Unbelievable. 
• Women’s beach volleyball: May and Walsh just put on a clinic against Brazil in the semi-finals. They will face China in the finals for the gold medal. This should be good.
• Track, women’s 100m hurdle semi-final: Did you see the Swedish runner who clipped the first hurdle and slammed to the ground? Ouch, seriously.
• Baseball, China vs. U.S.: U.S. outfielder, Nate Schierholtz, went out of his way to plow Chinese catcher, Wang Wei, at home plate who didn’t have the ball. Ouch. The chinese coach went ballistic. So ballistic, in fact, that he got himself ejected from of the game. Oops. The plow at home plate was payback for the Chinese pitcher’s having hit five U.S. players already. Schierholtz had been hit by two pitches. China then hit another batter in the head and the Chinese pitcher was ejected from the game. 
• Jamaican runner, Shelly-Ann Fraser, won gold in the women’s 100m sprint. Her celebration was priceless. She was one happy girl and she had every right to be.
• British gymnast, Louis Smith, on the pommel-horse, just won silver, the first gymnastics medal for Great Britain since 1952. Welcome to the game, GBR, and a sincere congratulations to gymnast Louis Smith.
• U.S. men’s gymnast, Alexander Artemev  put his balls on the line trying to perform a gold worthy pommel-horse routine but couldn’t find his balance. He could have cruised into a bronze-medal but he upped his diffucutly in order for a chance to cinch the gold.
• German women’s gymnast, Oksana Chusovitina, just won the silver medal in women’s vault. This gymnast’s story is mind-blowing and I’m hard pressed to think of a single athlete in recent history whom I admire more. Whether this is due to the fact that she is a 33-year-old Olympic silver medal winning gymnast(!!!) or the fact that she did it all to support her young son who has leukemia, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy for her. At the same time, I empathize with U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone who just missed a medal. Alicia is a dynamic competitor and somehow came up short; maybe it was the pressure. Again, I don’t know what to say, but I bet that Bela Karoli does… Bob?
• Spanish men’s gymnast, Gervasio Deferr, took silver and introduced the world of men’s gymnastics to the new era of tumbling with an inverted, direction-changing 1-and-3/4. Look it up for yourself. It’s fucking amazing.
• Chinese women’s diver, Guo JingJing, arguably has more pressure on her than any other Olympic athlete, period. She rose to the occasion tonight and took gold in springboard. 
• U.S. women’s diver, Nancilea Foster, had a diving accident, hitting the board when she was 14 years old. She broke her jaw, shattered her cheek, caved in her sinuses and needed seven teeth replaced. She is now in the 2008 Olympic finals standing on the springboard performing the same dive that injured her more than 10 years ago. Now that is a remarkable.
• Finally, the Ivy-League educations pay off: The U.S. women won gold in Women’s-Eight Rowing.
• U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps makes history again: Phelps, with the help of teammate Jason Lesak, has broken Mark Spitz’s record for the most Olympic gold medals won in a single Olympics. Michael Phelps won 8-for-8 gold medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics, beating Spitz’s previous record of 7 total gold medals. Well done, son.
• Tunisia won their first ever Olympic swimming medal. Tunisian swimmer, Ous Mellouli, took gold in the men’s 1500m freestyle event. The U.S. swimmer fell apart but that’s excusable; I would have drowned.
• Women’s Marathon: Romanian runner, Constantina Tomescu-Dita, dominated the women’s marathon, running most of the race alone. Constantina Tomescu-Dita, 38, is now the oldest gold-medalist in Olympic Marathon history. 
• Track, men’s 100m sprint: I mentioned to my roommate that due to U.S. runner Tyson Gay’s hamstring injury, it would be smart for the other countries to intentionally false start in order to force Tyson Gay to irritate his injury further by repeatedly coming out of the blocks unnecessarily. Indeed, there was a false start in every sprint involving Tyson Gay. Consequently, Tyson Gay did not qualify for the finals. Cheating or gamesmanship? I say gamesmanship. 
• Track, men’s 100m sprint prelims: First time Olympian, 21-year-old Jamaican runner, Usain Bolt, is setting records in the prelims with a brisk jog. I can’t wait to see this guy actually run! 
• Trampoline: Deathwish.
• Velodrome Cycling is on. Aside from the unbearable burning of the lungs and legs, it looks like a lot of fun to do.
• Men’s Racewalking: If I saw someone doing this on the street, I’m pretty sure I would throw rocks at them.
• Michael Phelps is now 7-for-7 in 2008 Olympic gold medals. Unreal.
• Boxing: I am certain that I could write a universally acclaimed doctoral dissertation which details those factors most contributing to Olympic Boxing in regards to its propensity to suck goats. However, I’m going to reserve judgement for the time being. Clearly.
• The women’s heptathlon prelims just started. I’m a huge fan of multi-disciplinary sports. This probably stems from my “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better” personality type. (please forgive me for making yet another “Annie Get Your Gun” reference)
• We’ve seen wrestling and boxing coverage so far. Tae Kwon Do and Judo are still to come. I wonder how many years it will take for the Olympic Committee to combine these disciplines and put Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) in the Olympics. I’m really curious; how long do you think, if ever? I mean, they did include snowboarding and BMX, after all.
• Oh, sweet! The World’s Fastest Man (100m sprint) prelims are starting tonight. I was beginning to wonder it track & field was still in the Olympics.
• I’m digging Men’s Singles Whitewater Canoe. I’m really impressed by their agility and power. However, I think that the agility which makes the singles event awesome is lost in the doubles event. Double’s Whitewater Canoe is like watching a school bus drive a formula-one track…zzzzzzz
• U.S. gymnast Nastia Liukin was amazing in the women’s individual all-around gymnastics final. The judges robbed her on the first two rotations, but she came back to win the gold in spectacular fashion. I haven’t seen many athletes exceed her ability to maintain focus. It probably helps that her father/coach was an Olympic gold-medalist 20 years ago. Shawn Johnson won silver putting the U.S. in the top two spots. Good girls!
• The nation of Georgia hired two Brazilian nationals to register for dual-citizenship and serve as their women’s beach volleyball team. Shouldn’t this be against the rules? No wonder Russia invaded them. 
• Have you guys seen this video wherein U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone knocks a dude out cold with a left hook? I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her.
• Men’s Gymnastics: Men’s high-bar is the most spectacular event in the Olympics. Period. My jaw and my floor are now close friends. This opinion may have something to do with me having been a competitive gymnast trained by Coach Steve Nuno (see: Shannon Miller; 1992, 1996 Olympics). Forgive my bias because I’m right.
• Chinese male gymnast, Hiroyuki Tomita, just “peeled” or “ripped” from the rings. This happens occasionally in gymnastics but is rarely caught on camera (I can’t find a good example on YouTube). “Peeling” most commonly occurs when a gymnast loses their grip on the high-bar or rings while generating (whipping) centrifugal force in preparation for a dismount or other dynamic element. When the gymnast loses their grip on the bar/ring, their body is slung-shot through the air in a rag-doll state. The athlete, spinning out of control, loses all bearing on direction (up? down? sideways? where am I?) and usually ends with a sudden and violent impact with the ground. This is a particularly terrifying feeling for gymnasts, who’s entire lives are based around their physical fortitude and knowing up from down and sideways and how to transition from one to the next to the third.  I’m glad the gymnast was uninjured, aside from some obvious whip-lash. “Peeling” happens to every gymnast, eventually. It happened to me twice and I will never-ever-ever forget it. Did I mention that I used to be a competitive gymnast?
• ::Michael Phelps’ Breakfast:: “(3) Fried Egg and Cheese Sandwiches w/ Lettuce and Mayo, (3) Pieces French(Freedom?) Toast, (3) Chocolate-Chip Pancakes, (1) Bowl of Grits.”
  ::PissedAndPetty.com’s Breakfast:: ”(1) Scotch, (4) Tylenol.”
• I totally have a crush on swimmer Natalie Coughlin. She would be turned-off by my breakfast.
• Men’s Synchronized Diving: China is now 4-for-4 in diving gold medals. *sigh*
• Women’s Synchronized Diving: I’m kinda happy that Mexico beat the U.S. women to take the bronze in the 10m platform contest, Mexico’s first diving medal. Good for them. I mean, if Mexico is going to beat the U.S. in diving, they totally deserve it. Also, China is now 3-for-3 in diving gold medals. They’re so good; it hurts. Speaking of, are Olympic athletes required to prove their gender? Just askin’.
• I’m fast forwarding through every tennis match. I like tennis but I can watch world-class tennis anytime; I don’t need to watch it in the Olympics. I’m also fast-forwarding through all the soccer matches because I don’t really like soccer (though I will pretend to like it in mixed company).
• Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd are all on the floor together. Good luck, Angola.
• Archery: Keepin’ it real. Olympic archers must use traditional-style bows. No magnification-sights or compound-bows allowed.
• Men’s 4×100m freestyle relay: OWNED
• U.S. vs. China, women’s basketball: The Chinese women aren’t too good at basketball, but they’re fearless and tough-as-nails… and tiny. This made for a highly entertaining game when they played the U.S. women who are huge and great at basketball. Highly, highly entertaining stuff. Final score was 108-63. China gets an A+ for effort; they never gave up.
• A U.S. woman won gold in the shooting event (think, Annie Oakley). I forgot that shooting was an Olympic sport. Cool.
• China vs. Poland, women’s indoor volleyball: Chinese player got a nasty black eye from a teammate’s elbow. Those girls are crazy-tough and play like their lives depend on it. I love it.
• Synchronized diving is actually pretty cool. Synchronized swimming? Crap.
• Water polo seems like the hardest thing ever. It’s amazing how high they can get their bodies out of the water when they’re shooting the ball.
• Badminton at the world-class level is incredible. The birdie(shuttle) travels over 200 mph.
• Indoor volleyball is amazing. Beach volleyball, not so much.
• Weightlifting: Some individuals can lift and hold 450+ pounds above their heads.
• It seems that every U.S. rower has an ivy league education. Rowing is for rich people.
• Doing an iron-cross is really fucking hard.

Life Lesson: Strippers -vs.- Regular Girls

At my buddy’s bachelor party this weekend, I learned an important lesson about the difference between strippers and regular girls.

(Scene: Interior. A popular strip club in Manhattan, NYC):

A stripper is sitting on my lap and grinding her lady-parts onto my man-parts. I’ve heard the kids call this a lap-dance.  Being the gentleman that I am, I treated the lady with respect and looked her square in the eyes the entire time, making sure not to stare at her naked breasts which were rubbing on my nose. Her boobies smelled like sunshine, glee and baby powder, but I resisted their temptations. My instincts told me  that staring at this professional woman’s fun-bags would somehow demean her existence.

As it turns out, my instincts were entirely wrong. This became clear as the stripper says, totally flustered,

“Please just look at my tits, dude!”

This Should Come As No Surprise

I took this picture today.

Faggots in Chelsea:

(Click to enlarge)

If you didn’t laugh, you’re dead inside.

Now This Is Good Advertising

I took this picture on the Upper West Side a few weeks ago.

(Click image to enlarge)

Much to my chagrin, I was forced to query the following
search term after spectating today’s mountain-bike race:

“Accidentally walked through four miles of poison ivy.
What should I do?”

NBC’s “2008 Olympics/Mummy 3″ Cross-Promotion Is Appalling

Last night, NBC premiered a two-and-a-half minute cross-promotion aligning their Universal Studios’ upcoming release of “Mummy 3″ with their coverage of the 2008 Olympics in China.

Click here to watch the commercial.

I expect that there will be a backlash from the media and sports communities, as this TV commercial is insulting to Olympic athletes and viewers alike. If you haven’t seen this commercial, you probably won’t understand the vitriol to follow.

NBC may as well have lined up every single 2008 Olympic athlete and systematically spat in their faces. These athletes didn’t ask to be trivialized as poster children to recoup loss on a terrible movie with which they have nothing to do. The ad strips Olympic athletes of their dignity.

From this TV ad, I remember a tasteless quick-cut from a CGI battle scene into stock footage of an actual Olympic boxing match. I also remember a clip of Brendan Frasier shouting something like, “We’re the good guys!” cutting to stock footage of an American runner winning a race.

From a business perspective, this isn’t rocket science and it makes sense. Universal Studios spent a ton of money making “Mummy 3″ but it’s going to be a huge flop if it doesn’t get some serious help. So, NBC as the parent company of Universal Studios decides to do some damage control. They decide to take an angle which apparently justifies the aligning of “Mummy” with the 2008 Olympics: They are both filmed in China… that’s it. That is NBC’s angle.

As tasteless as it may be, the business logic behind it makes sense, which makes it that much more tasteless. This is NBC telling us, the American public, just how stupid they think we are:

Barbara Blangiardi, SVP of Strategic Marketing and Content Innovation for NBC, has this to say:
“The shared location of China represented the opportunity to do something special together.”

Wow. Let’s get this straight: NBC overtly trivializes the Olympics, the Olympic athletes and the viewers of the Olympics on the large scale to recoup a few dollars on a bad movie… and they think we’re stupid enough to not notice. The sad thing is that most people really are that stupid. Are you one of them?

Who’s the bad guy, now?

[UPDATE:] This TV spot is just the beginning of NBC’s roll-out marketing campaign aligning “Mummy 3″ with The 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China. This ad will be featured in movie theatres, theme parks, airlines and digital displays in 4,700 NYC taxi cabs (a full-third of the NYC taxi fleet)… the list goes on. My prediction is that the most impression intensive period of this campaign will take place during NBC’s coverage of the latter portion of the Olympic trials and the beginning of the 2008 Olympic Games

[SIDENOTE:] I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this ad premiered during NBC’s “America’s Got Talent”, the one program on television which arguably retains the stupidest audience in the country. As evidence, some focus-group preferred the title “America’s Got Talent” over “America Has Talent”, the latter of which, anyone who is not retarded would prefer. Also, does anyone else find it strange that two out of the three judges on “America’s Got Talent” are British? I digress.

New readers: Your opinion is welcomed in the comments.