Dear Malaysia: Are you retarded?

Below is an excerpt from an article that ran on Reuters yesterday. This is fucking asinine:

BANGI, Malaysia (Reuters) – As Malaysia prepares to pick its first astronaut, the country’s space agency is hunting for solutions to the problems it expects devout Muslims to face while in orbit, such as in which direction to pray.One of the five pillars of Islam requires the faithful to pray five times a day, and to face Mecca, the birthplace of Islam, while doing so. Astronauts aboard spaceships could have difficulty meeting these requirements.

“Among the astronaut’s needs, if he is a Muslim, are guidelines on performing prayers in space, and other aspects of life according to Islamic principles,” Malaysian government official Mohd Ruddin Abdul Ghani told a two-day meeting of scientists and religious experts to thrash out solutions.

What the fuck? Please tell me you’re kidding. Please just tell me that there aren’t people on this planet that are that fucking stupid. God I don’t even know where to start with this one.

Listen closely. If being in outer space throws the logistics of your religious practices into a tailspin then maybe, just maybe, you should reevaluate your beliefs. I’m not kidding. This whole “which-direction-to-pray-at-what-time-holy-shit-I’m-confused- because-I’m-in-space” thing is ridiculous. Not only do I think it’s retarded for this to be a problem in the first place, I think it’s retarded to not immediately see the solution to the problem. Here it is: Face down when you pray. Towards Earth. That’s good enough, right? I mean, surely that counts as “facing Mecca”. What else can you do? Oh, and just to be on the safe side, pray five times in a row just to make absolutely certain you meet your daily quota. Then you don’t have to worry about it for a while. Or hey, keep a stopwatch nearby. Stopwatches work just fine in space. You could even throw in some extra prayers in between mouthfuls of dried ice cream for added insurance. There. Problem solved.

From what I know about Malaysia, which admittedly is not much, they provide cheap labor and manufacturing–like factories and workers and really fun shit like that. So apparently the head honcho over there in Malaysia, Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, is trying to pull Malaysia out of this pigeonhole and expand their technological industries. I think that’s great. Good job Malaysia. But why the fuck are they sending someone into space? For what? There’s absolutely nothing for Malaysia to accomplish in space. Really, think about it. This idiot Prime Minister may as well just masturbate in public. I’m far from an economist but I have a novel idea. Train some doctors. Put some resources into growth industries. What the hell are you going to do in space?

“Wow guys, it’s really true… I’m totally floating!”

Yeah, great. Good work shitnuts.


25 Responses

  1. Thank you sir.

  2. You are damn funny, Mr. [redacted].

  3. Well, I’m not an expert in Muslimism, but I think that there are other questions regarding where God wants us to pray to that are complicated by space travel… I’ll discuss more fully on myspace…

  4. Ryan, you are a funny dude! Keep up the good work!

  5. Maybe God is a bit more flexible when your in space! You think? Maybe the tsunami victims were praying in the wrong directions, languages, positions, places, … . Gee, it’s tough to figure out just what God considers “kosher.”

  6. oksharpman,

    Great comment!

    I’m not sure if this is coincedence or if you know me or my father, but I grew up in Oklahoma City.

    Regardless, I see that you’re an Oklahoma music advocate. What a small world. I sang backup for Arlo Guthrie on a Garrison Keillor’s “A Prarie Home Companion” broadcast from the Civic Center in OKC when I was in high school. I was also neck deep in the OKC music and theatre scene where I produced and appeared in many shows.

    Thanks for posting!

    Best regards,

  7. A-FUCKING-MEN…preach on my brother!

  8. Well, buddy, you just bought yourself a Fatwah. DIE INFIDEL. In space, no one can hear you scream.

    (Great post, though)

  9. I LIKE YOU, Linda UK.
    x new sense

  10. Excellant…..I like reading yer stuff. LINDA…….UK

  11. Thanks Linda,

    I like that you like it.


  12. Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.

  13. I say briefly: Best! Useful information. Good job guys.

  14. Dear Ryan, I have no comments upon this article as i think it is naive to be a judgmentle about any issues that u think u have something to entertain the folks. Learn to respect must start from the mouth…try to stand in between the coin. It’s cooler to see but not to speak as u r not helping world peace. I always see ppl who’s active in writting blogs because i write rubbish too, but i never used other’s subjects as mine. From: Amelia Chin Chew Ping

  15. Amelia,

    Suck it.

    Respectfully yours,

  16. I thought when you said you wrote the same article as the WIRED piece but funnier there would actually be something funny in the one you were talking about. Is there a link somewhere I’m missing to the funny part of your article? All I see here is a monologue from Beavis or Butthead.

  17. well for one thing i agree that malaysia sucks.. really retarded ppl there esp the politicians that does nothing but politicking every single day and cares nothing bout its ppl. All the monkey looking orang utan does is to breed, breed and breed idiots known as mat rempit for guys and protitute bitches called as bohsia. i hate every single thing bout malaysia, from its pirated version of the american flag to its national anthem which comes from america to. “Mamula Moon”. A nation of immigrants who hijack the actual aborigines ppl land and called it their own. the country belongs to orang asli actually not the so called pirate hijacking buttheads. I hate its history that twist the fact that only so called UMNO is the starter of independence and no one else care much as they did. I hate the fact Hang Tuah was made to be their ppl , so called hero of theirs.. hang tuah was from China. Puteri Hang Li Po, Hang Tuah, Hand Jebat… recognize some thing here? to me its better be stateless then this so called Malaysia where the head is an accessory to redrum and assistant that speaks through his arse hole.. who cant speak proper english and want to represent the nation.hate its stupid education system, its judiciary which is corrupted and biased, its security personal’s as they are champion of certain parties, its blatant persecution of individual and human rights. its lies and so called ideal 1 nation for all crap shits.

  18. I happened to come across this site while googling for malaysian redditors of all things.

    I am a malaysian myself and yeah we do believe that sending one of our glorified space tourists for a spin in a space station was a stupid waste of money and time. There are a bunch of retarded shitheads in our country, and its just our bad luck that most of them ended up in office.

    But it would be nice if you perhaps did a bit of reading up on us, cuz not all of us are as bad as our foreign affairs ministry make us out to be.

    As hard as it may be to believe, there are normal people here too.

  19. Please don’t doing this. CONTINUE!

  20. hey im a malaysian but i just love this stuff.thats so true.i agree with u.malaysians should read this article so they will open up their minds.

  21. Oh wow, I cannot believe I stumbled upon this many years after hearing about this joke. I actually agree with what you’re saying, though. Although, most Malaysians addressed this so-called astronaut as ‘space tourist’, he did spend most of his time on some brilliant experiments. Experiments where a 5th grader could actually determine the outcome…I heard the guy tried to study photosynthesis in space…WTF??

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