The first step is to find an underground poker club in NYC and talk your way in past the extremely skeptical club owner who inevitably thinks you are a cop.
You did it? Great!
Once you’re inside, buy $300 in chips and take them to an available seat at a $1/$2 No-Limit table. Sit down in the seat.
You’re doing well. The hard part is now behind you.
You will be sitting at the table in late-middle position and you will be dealt J-J on your very first hand. Nice. For anyone interested in learning the best methods of losing all your money as quickly as possible, remember this hand. J-J works perfectly almost every time.
Someone before you will raise to $15 and you will then re-raise to $50. Everyone else at the table will fold, and the original raiser will call your re-raise. Aren’t you excited?
The flop will come: Q 10 10
Your opponent will check to you and you should bet out for $100 to try to take it down right there. If you’re lucky, your opponent will then check-raise all-in for your remaining $150. At this point you will have to fold because you know that you’re beat. Nice. You’re off to a great start losing money! Isn’t this fun?
Don’t worry about the fact that you didn’t lose all of your money on that one hand because you will get another chance on the very next deal. Life is awesome.
You know, at this point you should just go ahead and buy another $100 in chips, so that you have more to lose on the next hand. Good idea, right? Hell yeah. Let’s have some fun.
On the next hand, you will be dealt A-Q. I love this hand because its almost as good if not better than JJ for losing all your money, and I fucking love losing all my money. Keep a lookout for A-Q and when you have it you should play in hard all the way. I guarantee you will lose thousands eventually.
When it’s your turn to act, raise to $15. You’ll get two callers.
The flop will come. Q 6 8, two spades.
Since you’re first to act, lead at the pot with a $40 bet. One opponent will fold and the other will raise you to $120 total. Take time to relish in this moment, as you are very close to losing all your money. Re-raise your opponent all in for your last $200 or so. They will call your raise and will turn over 5-7 suited in spades. Your opponent will hit a 9 on the very next card, cinching a straight and taking away any chance you have of winning the pot.
Congratulations champ! You did it!
You just lost $400 in five minutes playing cards. That wasn’t so hard, was it?
The long train ride home will be the best part of this experience as it will give you nothing but time to relive every awesome second of what just happened to you.