Immigration problem? Gee, I haven’t noticed.

My air mattress sprung a big ass leak last night.

I live in a primarily Dominican neighborhood in NYC and I am, on many levels, your average American white guy who speaks very little Spanish.

That being said:

I walked into a hardware store in my neighborhood today and was greeted by a pleasent and eager fellow.

Fellow: Que pasa, boss?

Me: I need an adhesive patch.

Fellow: Que?

Me: I’m looking for an adhesive patch. I have an air mattress and it has a hole in it. I need to fix it. Like, something you’d fix a bike tire with. Do you have something like that?

Fellow: Si, si, no problemo, amigo!

The gentleman disappeared into the back of the store, came out a few seconds later and met me at the cash register.

He handed me a plastic bag containing an electical powerstrip, smiled and asked,

“Es eso?” (Will that be all?)

I gave him a look that probably read something like…

–I mean you can’t be serious, dude. What part of “adhesive patch” sounds like “three-prong/eight-outlet AC adapter”? I’m a fairly tolerant individual, but this is fucking ridiculous.–

After my eyes burned a hole through this poor sap’s soul, he called for an English speaking manager.

The manager comes over, greets me and asks,

Manager: “What can I do for you?”

Me: “Hello, I need an adhesive patch to fix my air mattress.”

The manager turns to the fellow I originally spoke with and says,

Manager to fellow: “Tenemos un patcho?” (Do we have a patch?)

Fellow: “Oh! UN PATCHO!”

Yes, you idiot. Try to get your brain to think outside of that tiny box. Take off the “o” and we’re talking about the same thing, genius.

I mean, what the hell is going on here? Let’s just suppose that for some reason I took a job in a hardware store in The Dominican Republic, okay? Let’s also suppose that I speak relatively no Spanish.

If a native approached me in the store and asked for “un patcho”, I would know that the customer wanted “a patch” of some sort. How would I know this? Because I’m not retarded.

I can almost understand being served the chicken soup instead of the chicken sandwich which I actually ordered, but c’mon.


2 Responses

  1. FYI “es eso?” means “is it that (thing)?”. there might be some confusion if someone translated the first for you as “is that it?” which of course has 2 english meanings, but the spanish is only one way.

    “es todo?” means “is that everything?”.

    you don’t to publish this comment obviously, you can just edit it

  2. I bet I could cut out your toungue with a duller knife than the one with which you split that hair.

    I don’t know what than means.

    Thanks for the heads-up.

    Best regards,

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