The Ties That Bind

For some reason I woke up wicked early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.

It’s Saturday and I woke up bright eyed at 7:30am.

Unacceptable.

I went into the kitchen to retrieve my lighter that I had left on the stove the night before so I could smoke my good morning cigarette.

I heard the TV on in the living room and realized my roommate(whom I have had a couple problems with) was already awake too.

I poked my head in and the following conversation commenced.

Me: “Hey man, what are you doing up this early?”

Roommate: “I don’t know. I just woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

Me: “Weird, me too. Hey, I’m going downstairs to grab a sixer. You want anything?”

Roommate:(laughing) “So, you’re just going to drink yourself back to sleep?”

Me: “Exactly. Why, is that weird?”

Roommate: “I’ll take Corona.”

Irreconcilable Differences

Ever since my computer started hanging out with Limewire, I’ve noticed my computer has had a change in friends, is lazy and irrational, spends more time alone and has bloodshot eyes on a regular basis.

A few nights ago, my computer decided for the last time that it didn’t want to do what I was asking of it, which is my computer’s only job.

At that point, I may have accidentally (see: completely on purpose) beaten the ever loving shit out of my computer.

The ‘Shift’ key and the ‘A’ key popped off and I can’t get them back on. There are no two worse keys to have missing. One key is a home row anchor and a very common letter. The other is a key you have to hit at the beginning of every sentence and proper nouns and crap. The keys still work, but the buttons are so small that I may as well be trying to touch the tip of my nose with my head tilted back and eyes closed.

If my computer hadn’t decided to be more loyal to Limewire than it was to my commands, this whole situation could have been avoided.

It’s as if someone called Child Protective Services on me for beating a child who totally deserved it.

Is anyone giving away a new laptop or a child?

Boyfriend & Girlfriend: A Knowing Conversation

(This post is a serendipitous third installment of the “The Mace, The Axe and The Crowbar: A Love Story” series. If you are not familiar with the story, read it jerk. Everyone in the world thinks it is a great read.)

In hopes of making a long story short:

The former love of my life –the girl who the Mace/Axe/Crowbar story is about– has contacted me after finding the aformentioned story on this blog.)

A few days ago, I was hanging out with my fabulous girlfriend in my bedroom as usual. She was watching America’s Next Runway Nanny Factor, or some stupid shit. I was buried in my laptop sending long overdue replies to millions of e-mails.

Then I saw an e-mail from –the girl from the story–. I hadn’t spoken to her in more than seven years.

My heart started beating ninety miles an hour and I started sweating.

I must have looked wicked guilty.

From across the room, my girlfriend whipped her head around to look at me in the most accusatory and condescending manner I can possibly imagine. The following conversation commenced:

Girlfriend: What are you doing?

Boyfriend: Nothing really, same shit.

Girlfriend: Really? Do I need to come over there and look for myself?

Boyfriend: What? No. There’s someone I used to know, and…[interrupted]

Girlfriend: She must have been really special!

[a pause you could drive a truck through]

Boyfriend: What? Well, yeah, but…

Girlfriend: How far away does she live?

Boyfriend: What?

Girlfriend: HOW FAR AWAY DOES SHE LIVE?!

Boyfriend: Very very far away.

Girlfriend: Okay, go ahead.

Global Warming: Explained By Some Jerk Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About.


Forget everything you’ve ever heard about the causes of global warming.

Hole in the ozone? EPA? My ass.

I don’t know anything about this subject, but the following is common sense if you have a middle-school education.

This is my well uninformed opinion–

Omitting several technicalities:
1)Gravity exists.

2)Earth is within the Sun’s gravitational pull, thus Earth is always moving closer to the Sun.

3)Earth gets warmer because the Sun is wicked fucking hot.

Am I completely off base here?

If you think this big ass ball of fire(pictured above) wouldn’t love to devour each and every entity(see: sitting duck) in its orbit, you are insane.

Put Me In, Coach


For those of you that don’t know, I am a part-time poker dealer in NYC. I run all kinds of games ranging from your company Christmas party — to underground high stakes Wall Street games — to your run of the mill casino themed bar mizvah.

My agent(yeah, some part-time poker dealers have agents) called me yesterday and told me that a client is looking for a poker dealer for a photo shoot. She asked if I was interested.

Hell yeah. What a stupid question.

Normally, as a poker dealer I am contracted to be paid “x” amount of dollars per hour based solely on my poker dealing skills (combined with the likelihood that I will actually show up to the job). It seems reasonable to me that I could demand that my standard going rate be multiplied several times for the use of my “image and likeness” in this commercial publication.

My agent asked that I e-mail her a couple of appropriate photos that she could forward to the client for consideration. I told her that that wouldn’t be a problem and that the photos where on their way.

I began looking through the depths of hell on my computer for appropriate photos. I soon realized that I didn’t have one single picture of myself that accurately represents what I look like now.

Problem?

Solution.

I enlisted my girlfriend who has an amazing amateur eye for what looks good on film.

I sat down in a chair in my apartment with a deck of cards and a couple stacks of chips, and told her to start snapping while I fooled around with my tools.

Thanks to the mirror (and Caroline’s spooky-good photography skills), this picture catches me tracking the Ace of Spades to the middle of the deck and cutting it directly to the bottom with one hand.

(Click to enlarge, seriously.)

I have always been very hesitant to post clear pictures of my face on this blog, or anywhere online for that matter, but I couldn’t resist this one.

I Always Miss the Good Stuff

How does this happen? I don’t get it.

I spent the first 19 years of my life in a part of the Midwest called Tornado Alley. Tornadoes are a dime a fucking dozen down there. I never actually saw one though. Several tornadoes a year for nearly twenty years and I never ever got to see one, as they never came within fifty miles of my house, which I guess is a good thing, but still… When I left that region of the country to come to NY, I also left my hopes of ever seeing a tornado in person.

I turned on the news today and saw that there was a fucking waterspout (tornado over water) in the Hudson River! I basically live on the bank of the Hudson River, and I didn’t see it. Are you telling me that I could have just walked outside and seen a fucking tornado on the Hudson River? You have to be fucking kidding me. How do I always miss this shit?

When the big head-butt of the World Cup final game went down, I was in the bathroom.

One Man’s Crack is Another Man’s Beer

If the guy on last night’s “Intervention” on A&E would have substituted “crack” with “beer” in his following quote, he would be my best friend.

“I am always thinking about crack. I dream about crack. I want some right now.”
-the guy, “Intervention”, A&E Network

Brilliant.

I feel you, brother. Cheers. (*clink*) Whoa, don’t burn yourself.