MySpace: Telling It Like It Is

[UPDATE: Bianca has responded in the comments section of this post.]

As some of you may have seen, I recently found it necessary to put a stop to some atrocious MySpace behavior.

My lovely friend Bianca has a little monkey on her back called “the myspace bulletin”. I swear to god that this chick posts no less than 400 myspace bulletins every single day.

I decided to post my own myspace bulletin titled: “Bianca: An Intervention”.

It read:

“Though I love Bianca with all my heart:

Bianca and I have known each other for many years and we dated briefly in the 7th grade, so I feel that I have suffiencient authority to step in
and say the following:

Bianca, sweetheart. You post entirely too many bulletins. I mean, really. It’s kind of like the boy-who-cried-wolf theory, ya know? One must pick their spots carefully or one runs the risk of becoming nothing more than white noise, ambient.“

About half an hour later, Bianca fired back with a bulletin titled: “Ryan Needs More Myspace Friends”. I would post her response in its entirety, but it really doesn’t matter. You get the jist from the title.

Well, thankfully, I can address this pretty easily.

Being the open minded individual that I am, I would never immediately disregard a long-time friend’s advice as to how I could improve my life. So I went to Bianca’s myspace page and looked at some of her many many many “friends” and read what they had to say about her on her page.

Let me highlight a few particularly thoughtful entries from these “friends” that I apparently “need”:

Put on your safety goggles, readers.

In this comment, a gentleman is articulately addressing his concern regarding the quality of the comments of Bianca’s other male suitors, obviously trying to separate himself from the pack. Maybe it would have worked if it was a room full of retarded deaf mutes. But then again, some of them may be able to read lips, so that’s out. It’s on her picture with the star tattoo. This is fucking priceless.

“these fools is LAME as FUNK!!and thats all these fools about an tryin to shoot down dem stars and shoot for the stars.. as for me i am into ASTROLOGY!!soo i know my SUPA’STARS!! and uumm hmmm i see dem now… oooh eeeeeeee.. goose down blankee da best when u start gazing… hee hee hee“

This guy only confirms my position on mercy killings. If I were a doctor, I’d pull the plug on this fucktard in a heartbeat… or lack thereof.

This next comment was left on Bianca’s picture with the rabbit ears:

“HERE bunni bunni bunni!! HERE bunni bunni bunni.. shit.. what must i do to bring that bunni to smile or roll over or do a damn back flip.. and why is the bunny lookin alllllllllllll mad and shit.. HA THATS JUST TO dont have me get BUGS BUNNY ON YO ASSSSSSSSSS!! um hmmm lol“

I… I’m speechless. Really.

Last, there is a picture of my darling Bianca on her myspace page where she is donning a tasteful green sweater. I happen to think Bianca is a beautiful woman and I always have. But, regarding this last comment, all I have to say is this: With Friends Like These… (you know the rest):

“this looks like a herpes ad”

So, no Bianca. I do not think I need more MySpace “friends”. I’m perfectly happy knowing that no one in my network would tell me I look like a herpes ad.

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9 Responses

  1. I went on your myspace and checked out Bianca’s pics and comments. Unreal! I love your comeback to her.

    I hate getting a billion bulletins too. I have one teenaged friend who constantly does this and it irritates for sure.

  2. I’m not bothered at all by Bianca’s bulletins. Then again, it’s because I have a bunch of myspace bulletin fiends in my friends list. I’ve become desensitized and they’re all pretty much S.O.L if they need a helping hand on moving day.

    I’ve never actually gone and read the comments for her pics and I must admit (even though I’d never, ever go so far as to say the green sweater pic looks like a herpes ad) it definitely has some sort of NBC “The More You Know…”/community service type of quality to it.

    Not that I really need to say it, but she might just retaliate for this post, Ryan.

    albeit most likely via myspace bulletin…

  3. congratulations. you made it onto gawker.com’s nyc blog mention today.

  4. OMG Ryan U R 2 funnee!!!!! MerC killings R awsum, LOL ;-)

    B my frend on MySpace? <3 <3 <3

  5. What is a MySpace?

  6. Just to help you out, I’m posting this here too.

    First off, I want mention how he chose the the same person for two of those comments. Which makes your little friend experiment slightly biased. Work on that next time Ryan, you genius you.

    But you know, I want to apologize to my dear old friend Ryan. He’s been so helpful pointing out the only ghetto hispanic guy on my page and I just want him to know how much I admire him.

    I’m sorry I’m not as cool as Ryan with his awesome flash back to the 90’s inline skating skills. I’m sorry I’m not skinny enough to really pull of the heroin chic look in all of his pictures. I’m really sorry that I can’t come up with really fun letters to write to myself on my blogs or to my significant other for that matter. (Sounds like bulletin material to me.)

    Really, I’m just glad to see Ryan is such an ass douche (yes, I said ass douche) he actually writes similar comments to people on his “widely popular” blog.
    “Yes, fruit boots, I really do watch Ultimate Fighter.

    I see that you’re new to the blog game so I’m going to let you slide this one time without thoroughly emabarrasing you for the whole world to see.

    Watch your tone in the future or I will make you cry.

    Believe me, you don’t want to get me started on your shitty webcomic.

    Clear?”

    Ya, we’re clear Ryan. Stop being a dick, gain some weight, and get a modern day hobby. We all just want you to strive.

  7. Bianca,

    Eh, not a bad response. I think it lacked focus overall, though. I think the particular choices of personal attacks were easy and obvious, but what are you gonna do? I’m tough competition.

    A word to the wise: You’re gonna be striving for a while.

  8. Ok, Mrs. Hulsey, I’ll work on my focus when you work on your spelling.

  9. You two should wrestle.

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