To quote Joe Rogan:

Wow, I never imagined having a reason to say that. Anyway…

You know the anti-marijuana TV ad they play now where the dog is telling the girl that he doesn’t like it when she smokes weed? Here’s what Joe Rogan has to say about that commercial. I found it to be pretty hilarious.

I ripped the following from Joe Rogan’s blog:

“Hey Lindsey, I wish you didn’t smoke weed.”

“Really? Well I wish you didn’t freak me the fuck out by talking to me with no warning. You know how to talk? How about a heads up first, motherfucker? Why don’t you start off slow, like maybe write me a note or something? How long have you been able to talk? You could talk all this time, and the first words out of your mouth are criticism? How about ‘hey, I’m your dog, and I can talk!’ Wouldn’t that be a better way to start? Right away with the complaints?”

What’s the message here? Don’t smoke weed or your dog will be disappointed in you?
The same dog that I have to yell at every day to keep him from eating shit out of the cat’s litter box? Is that really a deterrent?
I mean, it’s your fucking dog. Even little kids get to yell at the dog. The dog is the bottom of the food chain when it comes to pull around the house. Who give a fuck what he thinks.

Meanwhile, the craziest thing about the video is that after the dog is done talking, the chick just stands there and thinks about what the dog said.
She doesn’t scream, or call her brother over so he can see, or even ask the dog any questions. She just drops her head in shame over her weed smoking.
Whatever that chick is smoking, it ain’t weed, and keep it the fuck away from me.

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Bonaduce -vs. Fairplay

I’m not really sure if this is old news or what, but I just got wind of this and I can’t wait to see how it plays out.

There was an altercation between Danny Bonaduce and Johnny Fairplay at some reality TV awards show the other night that I find really interesting, for legal and public opinon reasons. I don’t even really know who Johnny Fairplay is, but he’s someone I recognize from little clips on TV that I don’t really pay attention to, but what I remember of his behavior is precisely the reason I don’t pay attention to that type of thing on TV. I have since learned that he was a contestant on Survivor who pulled a stunt involving the fabrication of a death in the family and consequently won the contest.

Whatever.

This guy, Johnny Fairplay, was on stage at said awards show delivering a monologue and everyone in attendance started booing him. Danny Bonaduce approached him on stage, hijacked the mic and made a fairly in-your-face comment to Johnny. Johnny, apparently now knowing what else to do and attempting to save face, jumped on the `roid-rage-proned Danny Bonaduce and started humping him. Yeah, I’m just as confused as you are. Anyway, watch the video and then I’ll continue.

Watch the video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=b9wK2hFmxT4

It turns out, apparently, that Johhny ended up bloody and requiring extensive dental surgery from this incident. Also, he is filing battery and emotional distress charges against Danny.

I really wish I were Danny Bonaduce’s lawyer right about now. This would be the easiest chunk of change I ever made. Not only would I crush Johnny’s charges against my client, I would file massive countersuits for assault, defamation, sexual harassment, loss of wages and emotional distress. I would take this Johnny guy to the cleaners so badly he wouldn’t have any eyelashes left.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Danny Bonaduce possesses plenty of fecal`esque characteristics as well, but he handled this situation optimally:

With an effortless shrug of his shoulders.

Amber Alert

A friend of mine sent this in, so I thought I’d share. We go way back, but haven’t seen each other for years.

Anyway, it’s a dream she had. It’s fantastic. I’m going to paste it unedited:

So…I had a crazy dream about you, and I thought I would share.
We were in NY and you were trying to sell whales on the black market, and you were transporting them through flooded abandoned subway tunnels that ran under the real subways. I wanted in on the deal, but you weren’t letting me, so I kept breaking in to these seeding hotel rooms that resembled a gym locker room and rummaging through your clothing. At one point I caught up to you and the whales and I could see them through the grate in the ground and then you pointed a gun in my face and I told you you couldn’t shot me because it was my friends birthday and I had to jump out of a cake, and that they won’t pay me if I have a bullet wound. Then you took me in to another locker room type place and you and 3 other guys were playing poker and I was trying to dig through your locker while you fought with a guy about cards and you had all this whale camo…and I don’t know why it made it whale camo, but it obviously was something normal to have.
Then you got pissed that I was digging in your locker and you took me out in the tunnels (because these locker rooms were all next to the tunnels) and you were going to throw me in until flashlights and voices began chasing us. So you pulled out this pitch pipe that you would play to make the whales follow you through the tunnels and we just started running forever and voices got closer as we changed tunnels and bullets kept whizzing by and you kept shooting back, and then the tunnel ended and we had to either jump in to the hole where the whales were or get shot, so we jumped, and it was forever until we hit the water….

Woke up sweating and I mean like completely soaked.
Watch your back…the whale police are on to you…

Wow. Anyone?

The reader with the best interpretation of Amber’s dream will win a prize. If you live in NYC, I will meet you after work and buy you a drink at a location of my choosing. If you reside elsewhere, I will send you a sheet of McDonald’s or Dominoe’s coupons via the US Mail, with a hand written envelope and a stamp that I actually licked.

I don’t know which one is worse.

Giraffes Are Gangsta!

From the “Things You Didn’t Know” department:
Sometimes, Giraffes fight. Each other.

Giraffe fight!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7HCIGFdBt8

And you didn’t believe me. Tsk, tsk.