An Open Letter to Jeff Zucker and Maybe Les Moonves, Sometimes:

Dear NBC and maybe ABC, sometimes:

Do you remember the Replacement Baseball Player thing? You know, all the MLB players went on strike, so the league hired a bunch of other guys to play the regularly scheduled games while the league and the original players came to an agreement.

Is there, like, a Replacement Writer program available for the duration of the current writer strike? Because if there is, I’d really like a shot.

I promise to:

Not drink to excess between the hours of 9a-5p, EST.

Become a moldable tool, shaped and programmed to shamelessly promote General Electric partnerships and business opportunities every fucking chance I get. I swear to God, I will. My capacity as a sell-out is unrivaled.

Work for the half of the going rate.

Perform sexual favors for Jeff Zucker, or maybe Les Moonves, sometimes. Half the going rate, of course.

Leave my bloody fingernails tangled in the carpet as you attempt to drag me out when the original writers return.

Call me.


2 Responses

  1. I just cracked up laughing. The end of the workday is thismuch less bleak right now. Thanks.

  2. Hope it works out!

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