I have the Flu. I am far sicker that I can remember ever being in my adult life, except maybe the time I got food poisoning from the $20 all-you-can-eat sushi place. That was pretty bad too. Regardless, at least the food poising stint only lasted two days. This particular flu is barreling full steam ahead into its fifth day.
Flu: Hi, friend.
Me: Are you kidding?
Flu: I’m not sure what you mean.
Me: I mean, are you being completely serious with me right now?
Flu: In regards to what?
Me: I regards to how you’re, um, like, killing me.
Flu: Oh, that. Yeah, I’m totally serious, though not quite as serious as a heart attack.
Me: Not funny.
Flu: It’s nothing personal.
Me: Well, it feels pretty fucking personal.
Flu: You could think of it that way, if it would make you feel any better.
Me: So not funny.
Flu: No, I really mean it. I’m a beta version of a new flu virus. One of your co-workers signed you up for a trial of my new and improved services.
Me: Not interested. Thanks, though.
Flu: Too late. Sir, if you are willing to cooperate with us in regards to any feedback or insights you may have into our new Flu2.0 features, we would be willing to compensate you accordingly.
Me: This hardly seems fair. I didn’t ask for this.
Flu: *ahem* I assume you have some severe head pain.
Me: Yes, head and face. Severely severe head and face pain.
Flu: Would it be fair to say that it feels like there is a balloon being blown up inside your skull while an industrial strength vacuum tries to suck your brain out of your eye sockets, which would be fine, except that the hatchet stuck in the middle of your forehead is somehow holding everything together?
Me: Wow, that is surprisingly accurate.
Flu: Yeah, it’s our new take on the classic headache. You like it?
Me: What? No!
Flu: I meant, is it effective?
Me: Oh. Well, earlier this afternoon, I was paying for a can of chicken noodle soup at the deli. A wave of pain came across by brow which was so intense that I went blind right before passing out for a split second, collapsing to one knee, clutching my forehead. So, yeah, I’m guessing that when you can inflict so much pain on the inside of my face that my brain shuts itself off because it can’t handle that magnitude of pain, then yeah, I guess you could consider it to be fairly fucking effective. Christ, what kind of consult is this?
Me: I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.
Flu: That is certainly your right. But if you cooperate with me, I might be able to relax my grip a little.
Me: I’ll think about it…
TO BE CONTINUED (See: Part II)