Beta Testing: The Flu2.0 (Part III)

The Flu is gone but not forgotten.

I am left with a crippling bout of depression which is probably because I haven’t gotten my appetite back yet, so I feel sickly and weak after not eating for a few weeks. I’m slowly clawing my way out, and will be back here in full swing when the clouds clear.

`Til then, blah.

Advertisements

News To Me: Anymore, There Is No Such Thing As A Wild Horse

I recently discovered photographer David Beckerman, a New York-centric lensman.

I should admit upfront that when it comes to interpreting visual art, my brain arrives late to catch the short bus, trips on the stairs and drools on the driver. Regardless, one of Beckerman’s photos hit me like a long bus truck.

I like things that make sense.

I think that my strongest personal attributes are my universally unwavering neutral perspective and my innate understanding of evolution as it applies to almost any arena. Meaning, an argument could be made that I’m a little cold-hearted. Survival of the fittest and whatnot.

In a rare occurance, I was emotionally affected by this photograph.

I saw this as an image in which an historically free-spirited species is literally hanging its head among the weight of commercialism, domination and shame in all respects of these words. Reigns and a bit, decorative leather straps and chains, blinders, a strap-on wagon, walking on concrete with horseshoes… slipping.

This led me to wonder, “Are there any wild horses remaining on planet Earth?”

After a fairly thorough investigation, it is concluded that…

…wait for it…

NO! There are ZERO wild horses left on this planet.

Every single horse on planet Earth is domesticated or is the offspring of a domesticated horse.

Maybe this is common knowledge but it really affected me when I fully realized it. I guess it’s one of those concepts in which the return is equally proportionate to the investment, thought-wise.

Supplemental Information:

Due to hunting and habitat destruction, the last known wild horses were domesticated or killed in Mongolia in the 1960’s. Since then, offspring of captured horses have been reintroduced to the wild in Mongolia.

Horses have “monocular” vision. Each eye sees a separate image. They can watch two entirely different things at the same time. Horses have nearly a complete 360 degree view. The only two places a horse can’t see are directly under its head and directly behind itself. If you ever need to sneak up on a horse, which we all do from time to time, do it quietly from behind. Do not walk up directly behind a horse and scream, it will hurt you.

Horsepower, here’s how it works. One unit of horsepower is equal to the ability to lift a 100lb. weight at the rate of 330 feet per minute. In a rough translation, picture yourself standing atop a 30-story building pulling up a rope that has my girlfriend tied to the other end. Pull her all the way up in one minute. That is one horsepower.

Beta Testing: The Flu2.0 (Part II)

Read Part I if you haven’t already.

After some thinking, it became pretty clear to me that Flu had me backed into a pointy corner and my only hope was to try to roll with it.

I have decided to speak to Flu a little a further.

Me: Hi, Flu.

Flu: You ready to talk?

Me: Yeah, but you said you’d do something for me in return, right?

Flu: Sure. Did you have something in mind?

Me: I want my appetite back.

Flu: Sure. I can do that. First, explain to me why this is what you chose.

Me: I’m so fucking hungry, man!

Flu: Wait, so you do have an appetite? Sorry, I see a disconnect and I’m just trying to be thorough.

Me: No, its okay. It’s weird. I feel extreme hunger pains, but at the same time, eating sounds like the worst torture I can think of. I’m drinking all the juice and water I can get my hands on, but actually eating an orange, much less a piece of chicken, well, the whole concept seems more foreign to me than would the concept of eating poop when I’m not sick.

Flu: Amazing, isn’t it?

Me: Yeah, dickhead, it’s fucking incredible. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. Has anyone ever told you that you have horrible bedside manner?

Flu: Please don’t curse or call me names. That is unprofessional.

Me: Can I have my appetite back now? I have answered your questions.

Flu: Absolutely, here it is.

Me: (sprints out the door to find the nearest half-pound bacon-cheddar burger, but quickly turns around half-way as if something was forgotten)

Me: Wait, one last thing. What can you do about giving me back the seven pounds that I’ve lost this week. I suppose that most people would consider weight loss to be a bonus, but not me. I’ve worked really hard to gain that weight. Countless high-weight reps, protein shakes and expensive meals seem to have been completely wasted. Is this part of your new design? As far as consequences go, this seems a little on the semi-permanent side, thus not an appropriate result for a short-term illness. Please take this into consideration.

Flu: We’re still working out the bugs.

Me: Going forward, please indicated whether or not your puns are intended.

Flu: If it will help you sleep at night…

Me: Fuckin’ jerk.

TO BE CONTINUED