Beta Testing: The Flu2.0 (Part II)

Read Part I if you haven’t already.

After some thinking, it became pretty clear to me that Flu had me backed into a pointy corner and my only hope was to try to roll with it.

I have decided to speak to Flu a little a further.

Me: Hi, Flu.

Flu: You ready to talk?

Me: Yeah, but you said you’d do something for me in return, right?

Flu: Sure. Did you have something in mind?

Me: I want my appetite back.

Flu: Sure. I can do that. First, explain to me why this is what you chose.

Me: I’m so fucking hungry, man!

Flu: Wait, so you do have an appetite? Sorry, I see a disconnect and I’m just trying to be thorough.

Me: No, its okay. It’s weird. I feel extreme hunger pains, but at the same time, eating sounds like the worst torture I can think of. I’m drinking all the juice and water I can get my hands on, but actually eating an orange, much less a piece of chicken, well, the whole concept seems more foreign to me than would the concept of eating poop when I’m not sick.

Flu: Amazing, isn’t it?

Me: Yeah, dickhead, it’s fucking incredible. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. Has anyone ever told you that you have horrible bedside manner?

Flu: Please don’t curse or call me names. That is unprofessional.

Me: Can I have my appetite back now? I have answered your questions.

Flu: Absolutely, here it is.

Me: (sprints out the door to find the nearest half-pound bacon-cheddar burger, but quickly turns around half-way as if something was forgotten)

Me: Wait, one last thing. What can you do about giving me back the seven pounds that I’ve lost this week. I suppose that most people would consider weight loss to be a bonus, but not me. I’ve worked really hard to gain that weight. Countless high-weight reps, protein shakes and expensive meals seem to have been completely wasted. Is this part of your new design? As far as consequences go, this seems a little on the semi-permanent side, thus not an appropriate result for a short-term illness. Please take this into consideration.

Flu: We’re still working out the bugs.

Me: Going forward, please indicated whether or not your puns are intended.

Flu: If it will help you sleep at night…

Me: Fuckin’ jerk.



5 Responses

  1. I realize I’m completely oversharing on a stranger’s blog, but I can’t help myself. . . I had something fluish/food-poisony in January. . . on top of the usual symtoms. . . . my body responds to the urge to vomit by passing out. Don’t know what it is about flu-like illnesses, but long after the cookie-tossing has stopped, I’m still passing out sporadically another 12 hours. I never understood how someone could “drown” in their own vomit — until I woke up flat on my back with a mouth full of it. . . there’s a skill, vomiting while unconscious. I also managed to crack my head open — it bled for 2 days — and sported 5 baseball size bruises down the left side of my body for several weeks. I additionally took a nasty blow to the tailbone — 2 months later, I still hurt.

    I am grateful I get the flu or something like it, only ever 5 or 6 years. I couldn’t survive it yearly.

    Feel better!

  2. dude, the flu is no fucking joke, be wary of that crazy guy.

    also, i think zak may need medical assistance.

  3. @zak: Feel free to overshare anytime. Also, I can recommend you to our resident nurse. Todd?

    @apollocreed: Yeah, Flu is a jerk. He doesn’t even pretend to care.

  4. Ryan: How’re you feeling buddy?

    Zak: Sounds like someone poisoned, then kick the crap out of you. Do you have a relative that stands to benefit from any kind of insurance policy on you? What about gambling debts? Keep one eye open and all times (and drink plenty of Pedialyte!)

  5. @Todd: I feel semi-great with minor lingering effects. Thanks for asking.

    @Zak: Thank Todd.

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