Amber Alert

A friend of mine sent this in, so I thought I’d share. We go way back, but haven’t seen each other for years.

Anyway, it’s a dream she had. It’s fantastic. I’m going to paste it unedited:

So…I had a crazy dream about you, and I thought I would share.
We were in NY and you were trying to sell whales on the black market, and you were transporting them through flooded abandoned subway tunnels that ran under the real subways. I wanted in on the deal, but you weren’t letting me, so I kept breaking in to these seeding hotel rooms that resembled a gym locker room and rummaging through your clothing. At one point I caught up to you and the whales and I could see them through the grate in the ground and then you pointed a gun in my face and I told you you couldn’t shot me because it was my friends birthday and I had to jump out of a cake, and that they won’t pay me if I have a bullet wound. Then you took me in to another locker room type place and you and 3 other guys were playing poker and I was trying to dig through your locker while you fought with a guy about cards and you had all this whale camo…and I don’t know why it made it whale camo, but it obviously was something normal to have.
Then you got pissed that I was digging in your locker and you took me out in the tunnels (because these locker rooms were all next to the tunnels) and you were going to throw me in until flashlights and voices began chasing us. So you pulled out this pitch pipe that you would play to make the whales follow you through the tunnels and we just started running forever and voices got closer as we changed tunnels and bullets kept whizzing by and you kept shooting back, and then the tunnel ended and we had to either jump in to the hole where the whales were or get shot, so we jumped, and it was forever until we hit the water….

Woke up sweating and I mean like completely soaked.
Watch your back…the whale police are on to you…

Wow. Anyone?

The reader with the best interpretation of Amber’s dream will win a prize. If you live in NYC, I will meet you after work and buy you a drink at a location of my choosing. If you reside elsewhere, I will send you a sheet of McDonald’s or Dominoe’s coupons via the US Mail, with a hand written envelope and a stamp that I actually licked.

I don’t know which one is worse.


Subconscious: Your Contract is Under Review

-To: My Subconscious
-Re: Last Night’s Dream

Dear My Subconscious:

You are going too far.

Your latest dream made me very uncomfortable.

I understand that when I am asleep you have a specific purpose in mind when you impose a dream upon me. I understand that this is your own special way of sorting things out and that’s cool, but I really don’t see what you were getting at with your latest contribution.

Why the fuck did you have me spend my entire eight hours of sleep competing against The Cookie Monster for the affection of Mary-Kate Olsen?

I mean, what?

I… I honestly don’t know where to begin to address this.

I don’t care one iota about Mary-Kate Olsen, do I?

If I do, why is The Cookie Monster my main competition?

I’m not getting your hint, Subconscious, please clarify.

In the future, unless your directive is crystal clear, I would appreciate not dreaming about Mary-Kate Olsen or The Cookie Monster, or competing against one for the other.

Thanks in advance,

Your Conscious Counterpart