Do What I Say

I found a blog today that is all about people writing stories in exactly six sentences. There, I found one of the best (see: like a punch in the gut) pieces of writing I have read since I can remember, and it’s only six sentences long.

Take a moment to check out Blind Date by Quin, seriously.

Do what I say.

UPDATE: I just realized the post directly below this one is six sentences long, so I’m going to submit it.

What Have I Become?

Okay, damnit. I haven’t posted on my blog since February.

Right when I came back, I checked my traffic stats as any good blogger would.

We have a problem… besides the stunning lack of traffic. What’s the problem?

Do me a favor. Run a google search for “pooping grannies”. What’s the first result?

Yep, thanks to this post, my blog is the #1 search result for “pooping grannies”.

Fuck.

Wait, I think this might be something to be proud of.

Shhh! Don’t Talk To Me.


I went to Scruffy Duffy’s with my awesome ex-corrections-officer roommate to watch football and drink beer and eat wings and nachos and mozzerella sticks and jalepenos and play pool yesterday. All day. Life really doesn’t get much better than that. I saw a woman that was so drunk that I literally thought she was going to keel over and die right at the bar.

After all the games were finished my roommate and I went to the closing night cast party of “Smoking Bloomberg”. They had the top floor/balcony reserved of a cool joint in midtown. I got to see several people I haven’t seen in years. Great people. Good fucking times.

Lots of scotch.

God, kill me.

It’s 3:00pm.

I just woke up and I want to die.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Smoking Bloomberg

A mammoth-ass thanks goes out to Warren for writing the first ever guest post on Pissed & Petty yesterday.

There was a huge response and the story is going viral.

A note about Warren, if you will: and you will.

Warren, in conjunction with a few other writers, has written a stage show that is currently running in NYC in a theatre on W. 46th St. between 9th/10th. There are only two performances left, one tomorrow and one Sunday.

The show is called “Smoking Bloomberg.”

The entire run of the show sold out in 48 hours due to the pre-production buzz… and with good reason. Lucky for you, there may be a few no-show-reserved tickets available a few minutes before showtime. No guarantees, though.

-(from the official website)
“Smoking Bloomberg is a musical satire about a Korean dry cleaner’s quest for revenge against Mayor Bloomberg and the smoking ban that has ruined her business. However the show runs much deeper than local politics and the current mayoral administration. It is a biting, irreverent lampoon of American democracy and the individual’s place within it. This ain’t your mom’s musical theatre–unless you had one of those cool moms who burned her bra and let the kids come over to get drunk.”

-and-

-(from the writers’ blog)
“During a break in rehearsal today the cast […] got into a discussion of who this show could potentially offend. As we were listing the potential offenders – Jews, Christians, Muslims, Left-Wingers, Right-Wingers – we came to the conclusion that it would be easier to name the demographic groups that would not be offended by the show. The list we came up with is as follows: Hispanics and retarded people. And frankly, we’re not all that sure about the Hispanics.”

I saw the show on opening night and I can assure you it is fucking brilliant. There are several huge jokes that require massive cojones to even write down on a piece of paper bearing one’s own fingerprints. Leave it to say that none of these writers will be running for office anytime in the near future… and I mean that in the best way possible. Believe me, I know the feeling.

Oh, I almost forgot. Nick Nolte AND Gary Busey are in the show. No shit.

Read the glowing review from Backstage.

Have a great weekend everyone!

“Smoking Bloomberg” graphic by emblem creative.

Parker and Stone, what?

Southpark?

Hire this guy.

I’ve known this guy since middle school and he is wicked goddamn funny.

For the third time, I’d like to point my readers towards Inti Tayta. This time it is about one of his theories of a practical reality.

I can’t help but agree.

If you don’t think that every word of his post is fucking hysterical, you need to think harder.

Dude is hilarious.

–The “best friend guest post” that I mentioned will be coming soon. He has some other priorities. Can’t blame the jerk. Shit’s fucked up, yo.

Inti Tayta -vs.- Airport Security

I was going to write a post about a blood boiling experience I had at the bank last week, but I’m not going to do that anymore… at least not right now.

Instead, I’ll point you once again to Inti Tayta: Welcome Home. Read about his most recent trip to the airport. It’s way funnier than my stupid bank story I was going to write… which I still might.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back, people.

Enjoy.

I Am Not Smart

I have always prided myself on being a fairly intelligent person, both book-wise and street-wise. I can read big words and I can count pretty high. I know lots of random shit. I am able to assess and analyze a problem with which I’m completely unfamiliar, and realize a near optimal solution on a regular basis.

However, I am not smart. I have some incredibly smart friends, though.

Don’t click this link yet, because I want to tell you some things about this guy first. Author of the new blog, Inti Tayta’s: Welcome Home, Inti Tayta, is verifiably one of the smartest people on Earth. Period. I have known this guy since I was twelve, and his intellect is bizzare and astounding.

As a twenty-five year-old professional mathematician and student, Inti Tayta has held instructional positions at the Tata Institute of Fundamental Research(India), École Normale Supérieure(France), and Tohoku University(Japan).

He is also very popular in the Tokyo stand-up comedy scene, where he does his routine entirely in Japanese. The gimmick is that he doesn’t speak Japanese at all. With the help of a colleague at Tohoku University, Inti learned an entire stand-up routine, phonetically. He does a whole routine in Japanese and has no idea what he’s saying. The routine reportedly references this fact several times. How brilliant is that?

Inti Tayta is one of four people in the world to completely understand Freyd-Mitchell embeddings of abelian categories. He is currently working on a complete description of bio-physical phenomenality via Grothendieck topoi. Whatever that shit means.

Oddly, at 5’7”, 110 pounds, Inti is one of the world’s leading experts on alligator wrestling technique. Appparently using his mathematical aptitude, Inti created a scientific formula that isolates all variables of an alligator’s natural attack instincts and tendencies. He developed an easy to understand system and teaches profitable seminars in weird places all over the world.

As his most recent accomplishment, Inti turned down a job offer as a CIA Code and Encryption Analyst. He said the job “sounded too stuffy”.

Anyway, his blog is brand new and doesn’t have a lot of live content yet, but this serves as a formal notice to keep an eye on Inti Tayta’s: Welcome Home.