For Your Viewing Pleasure

Several years ago, I produced a video section highlighting some of New York City’s best aggressive inline skaters for a popular series of skate videos. My section didn’t make the final cut for the video, so my work never saw the light of day (there was no YouTube back then).

So, ladies and gentlemen, this is the world premiere. The skaters in this video haven’t even seen this yet.

Do you think you’re a good rollerblader? Watch this video and then think again.

Make sure your sound is on:

Skaters: Mike Johnson, Billy O’Neil, Franco Cammayo, Julio Amiyama, Damien Prashad, Thomas Lipani, David Lopera, Trevor Marx, Keithfe Bailey, Trevor Johnson, Brandon Gutierrez, Bobby Reichel.


The “Get Out of Jail Free” Card: Is it Real?

For the record: “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards are real. I have one.

I have long heard the rumors of the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, and I’m not talking about Monopoly. I’m talking about the seemingly mythical wallet-sized token of domestic immunity which people uniformly claim was bestowed upon them by their best friend from middle school who is now a cop. Surely, we’ve all heard this before. I’ve always doubted the integrity of these claims due to the fact that anyone I have ever encountered who claims to posses one of these incredible exemptions of accountability always has a lame excuse as to why they can’t produce the evidence when anyone asks, “Cool, can I see it?”

Last night, I attended a fund raising event for a charitable foundation in the name of the NY Mets current third baseman. The event was a smash hit. Among the auctioned items was a private thirty-minute batting practice with said NY Mets third baseman. The item sold for $10,000. I was not the winner of this item as I have never had anywhere near that much money to my name, much less to spend on a half-hour of batting practice. (sigh) It’s all for a good cause. I digress.

Buying-power aside, my luck turned when I found myself in a cocktail circle wherein I was able to entertain and impress many dignitaries of the NYPD and the DEA (board members, prominent detectives, etc.). I flipped on the charm and the rest is history, folks.

I am the proud new owner of a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, courtesy of the DEA. I shit you not.

The card looks like your typical plastic corporate employee ID card, except it’s issued by the DEA. I was also given the standard business cards of four of the NYPD / DEA dignitaries to present in conjunction with my “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, should I ever find myself in trouble with the law.

“So, wait. How does this work, exactly?” I asked.

A DEA trustee replied, “If you ever get in trouble, don’t say anything to the officer. Just hand him your “Get Out” card along with my business card and he will let you go. If he has the balls to call me and question it, I will fire that police officer.”

After examining my very own card, I am now positive that 9 out of 10 people who claim to posses such a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card are lying, based on the confidential and substantial nature of the card itself. I, however, am not one of those people.

Towards the end of the party, when we were all exchanging our parting pleasantries, I mentioned to the NYPD / DEA dignitaries that I sincerely appreciated the nature of their gift, though it would have limited use as I had never really been in trouble with the law.

Silence.

The senior detective grabbed my shoulder, leaned in close and sternly whispered into my ear, “That’s the nature of the gift, kid, now you can get into whatever kind of trouble you want to get into.”

I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of responsibility.

Your Telephone Procedures: They Are Incorrect

I loath when people do following:

*my cell phone rings*

Me: Hello?

Idiot: Who’s this?

Me: You called me. Who is this?

Idiot: *click*

If you are one of these idiots, you need to revise your procedures.

When telephoning someone, it is imperative that you identify yourself at the very beginning of the conversation. You may then choose to name the party with whom you wish to speak or the reason for your call.

For example:

Me: Hello, this is PissedAndPetty.com calling. May I please speak with the idiot who just called me and hung up. I would like to speak with them for a moment in regards to their abysmal telephone etiquette. Thank you.

Don’t be an idiot.

Optimum Online (Cablevision): Who’s That Girl?

Most savvy New York media folks are aware of the polarizing effects of the new Optimum Online commercials, from the obnoxious “Reggaeton” ad to the newer creepy “Stepford Wife” spot. No matter how much you hate these ads, like I do, they are setting response records and they have people talking.

With this said, I think everyone is missing the big picture.

Who is the adorable blonde background singer in the new Optimum Online (Cablevision) commercial? I’m talking about the “Stepford Wife” promo, not the “Reggaeton” promo… and I’m talking about the background actress, not the lead girl.

I mean, whatever, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m into her or anything. *ahem*

Anyone?

[UPDATE: Mystery solved. She is triple-threat, Lindsey Thomas.]

–Lindsey, babe, call my people. We’ll do lunch. ;)

(A Moment In) Time I’ll Never Get Back

Kevin Robinson broke the world record for a vertical jump on a BMX bike, reaching a height of 27 feet above the top of a custom built 26-foot quarter pipe, yielding a 53-foot vertical jump . It all happened last night in Central Park in conjunction with Red Bull and MSG.

The weird thing? CentralPark.com didn’t seem to know anything about it. As far as they knew, nothing but the usual walking tours and kids’ crafts were taking place in the park that day. As someone who checks city and park event calendars regularly for the sole purpose of not missing events of such magnitude, this really pissed me off. I was present when this record was originally set by Matt Hoffman in 2002, and I sure as hell would have liked to have been there when the record was broken.

After a few light hearted e-mails and a scholarly phone coversation with the administrator of CentralPark.com, here’s his explanation for not mentioning that a mammoth-ass ramp was erected in Central Park for the purposes of facilitating the breaking of a world record live on television:

“The event was a corporate thing, with Red Bull, ya know? It wasn’t really about the park. They could have done it anywhere. Battery Park, Bryant Park… it wasn’t about nature or anything, it’s not really bringing money to the park so we decided not to mention it on CentralPark.com.”

What? How dense can you possibly be?

It doesn’t matter where they could have done it. The point is that they are doing it in Central Park, and you are the webmaster of CentralPark.com. Put the pieces together yourself.

The Peeing Man: The Confrontation

I finally confronted The Peeing Man in my apartment building.

I’d passed on several opportunities to confront him previously, usually because there were other people around or whatever. Today, we rode the elevator up to the fourth floor together. Just him and me.

This is it. This was my chance.

I was apprehensive about confronting him in the elevator because if something went wrong, I would rather not be locked in a steel box with a fat man who pees on things at will.

I waited until we reached our floor. Before we turned our separate ways to our apartments, I said, “Excuse me, sir?”

He grunted and half-turned to look at me over his shoulder.

“I need to speak with you for second,” I continued.

He grunted again and turned fully to face me. He looked half asleep.

“This is weird for me say, but… You have to stop peeing out of your window.”

His eyes instantly shot wide open, he went flush and started sweating even more than he already was. He just stared at me in shock.

“Do you understand what I’m saying? Don’t pee out of you window. If you stop now, this won’t go any further than you and me (and the internet). Please do not pee out of your window any more. Do you understand?”

He just kept nodding. He was completely mortified.

“Okay, then. We have a deal. Don’t pee out of your window anymore, and this will stay between us. Got it?”

More nodding.

“Ok, then. We’re understood. Don’t pee out of your window. Have a nice day.”

And that was it. We both turned and went about our business.

I think I delivered a clear and unmistakable message but to be honest, I kind of hope he does it again so I can pull out the picture wherein I caught him in the act, or maybe I’ll shoot him in the dick with my BB-Gun.

French Urban-Climber Takes On ‘NY Times’ building.

***BREAKING NEWS**

French free-climber Alain Robert, (a.k.a “Spider-man”) just scaled the NY Times building in Manhattan with no ropes. He was arrested when he reached the roof shortly after noon today.

I wish I would have thought of this.

[UPDATE: A second man has free-climbed the NY Times building today. Renaldo Clarke, 32, of Brooklyn. Here is the NY Times’ article about the second man to free-climb their building today. Today. The news writes itself. Truer words…]

I really wish I would have thought of this.