For the record: “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards are real. I have one.
I have long heard the rumors of the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, and I’m not talking about Monopoly. I’m talking about the seemingly mythical wallet-sized token of domestic immunity which people uniformly claim was bestowed upon them by their best friend from middle school who is now a cop. Surely, we’ve all heard this before. I’ve always doubted the integrity of these claims due to the fact that anyone I have ever encountered who claims to posses one of these incredible exemptions of accountability always has a lame excuse as to why they can’t produce the evidence when anyone asks, “Cool, can I see it?”
Last night, I attended a fund raising event for a charitable foundation in the name of the NY Mets current third baseman. The event was a smash hit. Among the auctioned items was a private thirty-minute batting practice with said NY Mets third baseman. The item sold for $10,000. I was not the winner of this item as I have never had anywhere near that much money to my name, much less to spend on a half-hour of batting practice. (sigh) It’s all for a good cause. I digress.
Buying-power aside, my luck turned when I found myself in a cocktail circle wherein I was able to entertain and impress many dignitaries of the NYPD and the DEA (board members, prominent detectives, etc.). I flipped on the charm and the rest is history, folks.
I am the proud new owner of a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, courtesy of the DEA. I shit you not.
The card looks like your typical plastic corporate employee ID card, except it’s issued by the DEA. I was also given the standard business cards of four of the NYPD / DEA dignitaries to present in conjunction with my “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, should I ever find myself in trouble with the law.
“So, wait. How does this work, exactly?” I asked.
A DEA trustee replied, “If you ever get in trouble, don’t say anything to the officer. Just hand him your “Get Out” card along with my business card and he will let you go. If he has the balls to call me and question it, I will fire that police officer.”
After examining my very own card, I am now positive that 9 out of 10 people who claim to posses such a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card are lying, based on the confidential and substantial nature of the card itself. I, however, am not one of those people.
Towards the end of the party, when we were all exchanging our parting pleasantries, I mentioned to the NYPD / DEA dignitaries that I sincerely appreciated the nature of their gift, though it would have limited use as I had never really been in trouble with the law.
The senior detective grabbed my shoulder, leaned in close and sternly whispered into my ear, “That’s the nature of the gift, kid, now you can get into whatever kind of trouble you want to get into.”
I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of responsibility.
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